Oh, where do I begin?

2019 has been very mindblowing to say the least. Everything was happening all at once and up to this day I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of them. I was so reluctant to leave 2018 behind, but thank God 2019 brought so many blessings that I lost count. What did I do to deserve…these?

I met the love of my life, got engaged on my 26th birthday, got accepted at residency program, and on top of it all, I got married. I never thought that getting married, being commited to someone would be “it” for me. (Again. This year’s filled with “who would’ve thought?” phrase). But deep down I know it’s meant to be. The timing, Allah’s timing, couldn’t be more perfect. It’s planned seamlessly, carefully, down to the last detail (I got goosebumps just by thinking about it).

Before being introduced to my husband (it feels so weird writing that word) my mum tried to set me up with a bunch of men. Doctor, engineer, teacher, you name it. Didn’t work out, obviously, because I was a hard shell to crack. I had to many “what if”s. But from those interaction I learned to adapt(?), to communicate with opposite sex who didn’t have the same interest as me, learned to open myself up a liiiiiiiittle bit for strangers. Learned that not all strangers were bad. Being in Madiun also helped. I was exposed with sooo many friendly people, so like it or not, I tried to be friendly too. They opened up my mind a liiittle bit more. I was also living in a house with very persuasive friends. Who loved to take me out, experience something new. They made me realize that I wasn’t that unworthy. I learned to be a liiiittle bit more confident. That’s why I always said that being in Madiun for a year has changed me.

When we first got in touch (via whatsapp) I was so sure that this would not going anywhere. Whatever “this” was. Too many awkward moment, too many oh my god I’m stuck what do I say next” episodes. But thank god for my best friends, who always came to the rescue. They went as far as replying my chats with him. Pushed me out of my comfort zone for real. Made me see with different point of view. And my sister, who, at that time, was being a much needed buffer between me and my mum.

The internship program ended, and I still wasn’t sure if he’s the one. Well. He was kind and all. But I wasn’t feeling it. Our convos were platonic and superficial. Or was it bc I still put a high barrier between us? I was still hoping that my someone would be a doctor. He was 34 and looking for a wife. He made it clear to me, couple times, that he wanted to get serious with me. But marriage wasn’t in the list of my short term plan. I wanted to take residency program, I wanted to study, wanted to see what the world had to offer. And I surely didn’t want to lose focus because of any issue that came within marriage. So I decided to end it (whatever it was). But again, he didn’t give up on me. On February his sister got married and he finally came home after months of being in military base. Then we finally talked. His laid back personality surprised me. He said yes to all my request (if I hipothetically wanted to marry him); he’s ok with me being a resident in Surabaya, with us being apart during my residency, said I didn’t have to be active in the organization (for military wife) if I didn’t have any spare time, didn’t mind that I was bad at house chores, etc etc etc. His patience!

Being jobless during that time provided me with tons of time to reaaaaally think it through. The pros and cons. I’ve consulted with many people. And they all said to never waste a man with good intention (of marrying you). In the midst of it all, the registration process for residency program started. I absentmindedly filled out the form & began preparing the documents. Yep. I decided to pursue my dream first. He was on board with this, and that surprised me too. I thought he’d forced (or maybe persuade) me to live in Jakarta / to pick another university closer to him. “Do whatever makes you happy and comfortable, I will do nothing but support you,” he said. I should’ve been over the moon, but my neurotic head wouldn’t stop spinning. Now I know why it never worked out with anybody else. No one knew how to handle me like he did. My anxiety drove everyone crazy. But not him. He’s just like a big calming wave that was ready to engulf you with its warmth, the water felt nice and familiar. He absorbed all your fear and worry. And just like wave, there’s literally no way out of this man. He’s one persistant man. I was so afraid of falling into something new. It looked pretty and appealling but I was so afraid of letting someone love me.

In the end of February he brought his parents over to talk, and formally ask my dad for my hand in marriage. My parents were thrilled. It was decided that the wedding would be held some time next year (per my request. God, I need time to breathe). I started to open myself up a bit more. Our conversations have improved and I discovered some sides of him that I never knew before. He also went all out in expressing his feelings, something I used to loathe but later admire. And I grew fonder of him. I also spent some time visiting his work place in Bogor. He showed me around and I finally caught a glimpse of what he did for work. Again, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I was jobless & waiting for the entrance exam around April. Its as if God provided me with time to get closer and get to know him first. I was also blessed with the presence of my niece. I learned a thing or two about taking care of newborn and what to expect in motherhood. It didn’t ease my anxiety, but at least I’ve kinda sorta experienced it. And that’s a big deal for an anxious person like me.

The entrance exam went smoothly and he gave me his fullest support. In the interview sessions we often got asked about our future place of work. Some of my friends have had definite place to come back to (they were on full scholarship from local government), they didn’t have to worry about getting a job. I was applying with my own money hence I didn’t have any contract with any place. It became a bit complicated when you didn’t have a place to come back to. Everyone would assume that you’d want to start a career here, in the big city where the number of pathologist were more than enough. That’s a big no no. And that would probably reduce the chance of you getting accepted. Again, I realized that maybe it’s all meant to be; during interview sessions I always used his job as a shield. I told them that I’d go wherever his mission took him. And that seemed more than enough to silence em all. If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead speechless. He wasn’t there through it all but I swore I could feel his presence. Even in the most stressful situation he, in a way, managed to help me out.

In May I got the good news. I was accepted! I called him immediately and his first words were, “Selamat ya, kebanggaanku…” and again I was stunned at how much his words affected me. That exact moment I knew, I was slowly, surely, falling into him. June rolled in and for the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of facing the deadly Idul Fitri question (kapan nikah?) anymore. His big family met with mine and I thought, “wow this is serious. What do I get myself into?”

Pradik (Pra pendidikan PPDS) & MKDU started waaay early, but it wasn’t as hectic as I thought it’d be so we decided to get engaged on my birthday. July 13th 2019. I never thought he’d be able to produce such sweet proposal in such short notice. I came up with a long ass answer and the crowd were cheering and clapping. They were basically surprised, someone as stone-cold-hearted as me could… fall in love? Lol I couldn’t believe myself. Somehow someway the wedding was moved to December. Good god I gotta get ready. During MKDU program I often left the class early to prepare the legal documents needed for our marriage. I did it all by myself, even if I had to go back and forth to Kelurahan/Kecamatan/KUA. My daily mantra was “one step at a time, the only way out is through“. Marrying a military guy also meant another extra effort of collecting and preparing extra documents (different than the ones needed for civil marriage). I spent a whole week in Bogor to do the so called Nikah dinas where we underwent some writing, interview, and physical tests. After it’s all done we had to meet with his boss, his boss’ boss, his boss’ boss’ boss and so on. God I was a nervous wreck. My anxiety was sky rocketing. But he’s always there to calm me down. It all went smoothly considering it only took a week for us to get it done (others usually spent 2 weeks or so). Thank god it all happened when I was still in MKDU program. I could easily left the class unnoticed. Again, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

August was a hectic month. 4 of my best friends were getting married. Each week was filled with bridesmaid dresses and sleepover and glamming up and party and delicious food. I paid very close attention to their events. Making mental notes about the do and don’ts. It’s still hard to believe that they belong to someone else now. September, October left no significant memories. We rarely fought. If we did, it was almost always because of my exagerrating reactions. I learned how to control my child-like behaviour around him. And its so frickin hard when his patience and basically all the things that made him who he was allowed me to be childish and needy. He’s unreal. I also learned more about relationship. It needed two to tango.

In November the MKDU program ended and we continued our study in each department. I was officially an anatomical pathology resident. I’ve made a post about the daily routine of a PA resident and to be completely honest I was stressed. How in the world could I get married in the middle of all this? How could I prepare everything? Again, Allah answered my prayers. Our job for the next two months (November & December) was shadowing our seniors. Meaning we didn’t have to take full responsibilities of the works. It lifted a bit of weight off my shoulder. But the hecticness was pretty much the same. So my stress level was still pretty high. I was so tempted on consuming alprazolam just to numb the pain (from being so anxious all the time), but I chose to ride the wave instead. (Listening to podcasts reaaally helped). Another help from Allah came in the form of stase rotation. By some miracle I was placed in a FNAB outpatient clinic throughout December. It’s known to be the less hectic stase out of 4 (female, gastrointestinal tract, musculoskeletal, & FNAB clinic). I was able to go home around 5 pm every day. It provided me with time to run some errands and stress some more. I posted daily rant on twitter just to stay sane. I cried a lot. I was so afraid that the event wouldn’t go as planned. I was busy preparing the wedding but other non- wedding-related- assignments also flooded in. I was undeniably stressed. For those who doesn’t know, I have anxiety disorder, so I get stressed out easier than most people. I didn’t know how the hell I survived to be honest. I also still managed to present one textbook reading and one journal reading in the middle of this chaotic mind. The power of a highly functioning anxious person. I obviously don’t recommend getting married during residency, especially if you’re still a junior. Phew.

The big day finally came and it went by a blur. It was great though. Far better than I thought it’d be. What can I say, anxious person always expects the worst. It was so magical and heart warming hearing him say the ijab kabul. Reality struck; I didn’t belong to my parents anymore. Someone has made a promise to take care of me from now on. I told myself not to cry, but damn!

I was given 6 days off and we were able to secure a honeymoon place in Malang, despite the holiday season. I was finally able to unwind and take a much needed break before going back to reality. Being married to him was the biggest blessing that I received this year. My insecurity, anxiety, fear, all root from the feeling of not being enough and unworthy. It somehow affects every aspect of my life. The way I’m thinking, the way I act. Being with him changes it all. Not 100% but now I know why it’s him, why now, why I had to endure years of being alone, while my friends get their own piece of happiness, why here and not there. All the how and the when and who, the questions that I kept asking in my prayers, the questions that kept me up at night… now I know why. Everything falls into place. It took 25 years to build the puzzle and see the bigger picture but every little thing that happened in my life has led me to this very path. My faith in Him only grows stronger. Allah knows best.

There’s an old saying that one day you’ll find happiness and the pain is going to be invisible. That’s exactly how I feel. The pain is all gone. I am now someone’s favorite color ❤.

Here’s to 2020!

Stop.

you are so worth the wait
and the rush
and the pause button I have to press
and the homework I have to ignore
and the procastination
and the time difference
and the reconnecting or poor connection notification
and the late night drive
or countless flights
and the sleepless night
and the palpitation
and the misunderstandings
and those corny dad jokes
those awkward moments
and all the talks and gossips
the mess in my head
and

all the memory space a head and heart could possibly hold

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I literally have no words.

Hey hello hi.

‘M still alive, still breathing, still struggling with iatrogenic anxiety (I made a decision to torture myself more in the form of residency. I know I know). I was so completely sure that I would excel at this one step of my life, because 1. I love love love the subject 2. I love working behind the screen. I love mundane work. I love routines and I hate surprises. 3. I spent a good amount of time interning in this departement, I knew the people well. Familiar faces = easier transition. But nope. Those reasons aren’t enough to keep my insane brain from being so tangled. I have trouble adapting. From being a jobless post-iship doctor (lots of free time, going out, catching up with friends, family time, I’m-feeling-blue me time, my-period-is-coming me time, lots of book to read, tv series to watch) to a resident. Honest to God I thought as a non emergency department, our job wouldn’t be this time consuming and tiring. My senior are working from 7 am to 9 pm monday to friday sometimes on saturday too. The samples that have to be examined are stacking high. They come from all over department in the hospital (with only 4 doctors doing the work). On top of that they still have to be responsible for weekly tumor board/ discussion with some departments. Not to mention studying for exams. Wow this residency life might be as hard as the emergency ones. I don’t hate it, or regret my choice. It just takes me by surprise. And I cant stop my head from thinking 16282629162 times ahead. Will I ever have another me time? I barely see my family will they hate me? Will my future kids get enough of my attention. Will I survive??? This takes me back to the early months of internship program, when I was still trying to fit in, and get hold of the rhythm. I told myself multiple times that its just a transition. That its okay to feel miserable in the beginning. That its very very normal. I tried to ignore the toxic crippling anxiety thats so easy to spiral down but god its hard. My palpitation is back, so is trouble sleeping at night. I keep waking up 2-3 times during the night. The sinking feeling at the pit of your stomach, the urge to just crawl whenever you see a desk and just cry. The labored breathing. Everything is coming back. I smile for 1 second and feel miserable the next seconds. My anxiety is off the chart. I’m fully aware that I am going through major changes and this is just my anxious brain reacting. So I just try my best to survive one hour at a time.

Another downside is that I spend less time calling him. We used to phone more than 5 times a day. And I got easily angry (as in dont talk to me in 2 days i wont answer your call or your texts kind of angry.. srsly I was being very childish) when he was in to deep with works. Lately when we talked on the phone, I told him everything about my new life as a resident. I was complaining and asking the same thing over and over. And he gave the usual this too shall pass. You can do it. You’re amazing routine. And it temporary calmed me down. But tonight I’m in the worst anxiety episode ever. So I call him and I cry. I spill everything from A to Z. Absentmindedly saying what if I quit and live with him in remote area (sometimes he’s stationed in remote places). And I think that word triggers him. He starts saying about how I was fully aware when I made this choice, how I have to live it no matter how gruesome it may looks, and that I have to start acting like an adult. Ouch. But then all hell breaks loose. He takes me back to his early year of Taruna and military academy up to where he is now. He describes his works, things that he has to do everyday, the kind of people he has to handle everyday, the load of his works, the name of every…thing. And my mouth can only form a solid O. He spoke so little about his work. I didn’t mind though. I never fully understood the military works anyway. And him being in missions made me think that he’s bound to be secretive. So I never ever knew the magnitude of his work and the responsibility he had to carry.

Then I cry. Because I have been sooooo unfair to him. I haven’t been listening. I never give but I’m always at the receiving end. I rarely ask him about his day, I complain when I dont get enough attention as if his one and only job is to make sure that I’m mentally physically ok. I said I would never take him for granted but I did. I’m feeling ashamed. And guilty. He begs me to stop crying and starts throwing his dad jokes. When it doesn’t work he knows that this is not the usual cry for attention. I apologize to him. Profusely. And he says that he already forgave me from the beginning. Then we cry some more. Its so weird crying through video call. You want to hold that person soooooo bad. You want to comfort him. Feels like he’s just one arm length away but he’s not.

When I finally calm down we start talking… deep shits. Like my fear and anxiety, his thoughts, his plans, his view about things in life. This is probably the first time he lets his guard down. He is one hard shell to crack. Even after 1 year of knowing each other. I swear I can see him from a totally different perspective now. I’m mentally and emotionally drained but I know that he always always got my back. That I am safe.

And that I will spend the rest of my life loving this man.

X

Niat. Niatkan untuk ibadah, ikhlas Lillahi Ta’ala. Niat agar ilmunya bermanfaat untuk orang lain. Niat untuk membahagiakan dan membanggakan orang tua, niat untuk membuat suami bangga, niat agar nantinya bisa independent. Sabar, ikhlas. Semua ada masanya. Pasti akan terlewati. Sayang pasti bisa.

Semoga Allah melindungi, merahmati, meridhoi, memberi petunjuk dan kekuatan untukmu, dan mengijabahi semua doa-doa positif kita

Kalau ada hal apapun, bilang ya.

Doa dan ridhoku selalu menyertaimu.

Love you.

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Dance.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow

And each road leads you where you want to go

I hope this life becomes all that you wanted to

Your dreams stay big

Your worries stay small

You never have to carry more than you can hold

And when you’re out there getting where you getting to

I hope you know somebody loves you

Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance

And if its cold outside,

Show the world the warmth of your smile

But more than anything

I hope you dance.

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Time capsule, sorta.

I love writing. I love putting my feelings into words. I love analyzing things. I love remembering exciting experiences, the heartbreaking ones too. I love witnessing myself grow, psychologically. I love how my writings show that I see things differently now. The one thing I probably love the most is writing to my future self. Weird I know. I usually do this when I’m sad, when I face many obstacle in my anxious life, when I’m at my lowest low and don’t know what to do anymore, or sometimes I just do it spontaneously.

Nothing fancy, I write just to ask how my future self is doing? Are you happy now? Do you remember this one time when you almost give up on everything? Do you still watch this series? Have you found him yet? Then I start explaining about what’s going on with my present life, what I’m feeling, and what my hopes are for the future. They’re such nice reminders, when you open them up 2 years later, that you’ve been going through hell and still made it out alive.

I just opened one today. Its addressed to “My future someone”… cringey I know. Blame my 22 years old self. Finding someone has been a huge thing for me. Cause I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’m scared by the idea of “loving someone” or getting to know someone. I’m a damaged good and I didn’t think someone would ever want me. Reading the letter put me in tears. So here goes, a letter to my future someone:

Dear future someone,

Hello there, I don’t know what to call you yet, I’m Sari, by the way. This may seems a bit awkward, but today i watched one of Will’s videos about a love letter to the loved one. He’s collecting love letters all across the globe and putting it in his book. So I thought why not write one to you? Soooo, stranger, how are you? I hope you’re doing fine, wherever you are. I hope you’re healthy, cause the weather is crazy here (talking about weather hahaha we’re real strangers, huh?). Anyway I just want to let you know that I’m still here, waiting and praying patiently. I honestly don’t know what else to do (or not do), so that I can meet you, talk to you, share my story with you (I bet you’re a good listener). Don’t ever lose hope on me okay? Just.. keep looking. Keep looking for a shy looking girl who hates the spotlight, who would rather stand in the corner with gadget in hand, in a room full of people. I may not look that attractive but I’m sure you can see beyond that. I know I have this “bitch fuck off” face, but I hope you won’t stop trying to get to know me. I know I may seem like I don’t care, but I do. Keep looking for an introvert girl with tons of cat memes, music and tv series references, who loves reading and dancing in her room. Keep looking for an overly sensitive girl, she needs your rescue. And when you’re 99.99999% sure that it’s me, don’t hesitate to come, run, hug me. You better hurry old man (lol jk), I’ve been waiting for too damn long!

I hope you’re enjoying life, I hope you’re happy. I’m still here. Always will.

Lots of love.

How I wish I could give myself a hug and told her that its going to be okay, that someone (a stranger indeed) will come along and love you so deep you could burst. That he’s a good listener, that he can see beyond your chubby figure, insecurity, and anxiousness. That he didn’t give up on you even when your messed up mind told you to give up on him multiple times. That he found a way to get close to you, despite all your “I dont wanna be with someone who doesn’t know a thing about music, tv shows, movies, books, or medicine” mindset. That he is in fact much older than you! Funny how the little things in this letter turn out to be true.

I won’t take him for granted. I won’t take any of these feelings for granted. X

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Hey, you ☔.

Your understanding

Your never ending patience

Your laugh at my outbursts

Your “yes”es to my absurd requests

Your texts and those emojis

Your military talks

The way you easily, single-handedly throw my insecurities out of the window

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” you said

The way you look at me with your big brown eyes

Your love for your mum

Your warm hands

Your warm embrace

Your gentle pat on my back when we say goodbye

Your love

And the way you’re letting me know that I’m loved.

You.

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I think that the person who is best fit to love you isn’t someone who makes you feel the happiest, but someone who makes you feel the biggest, the most. Even when you become jagged and figuratively cut him like the broken glass you are, he will still, and always be, in awe of how fucking stunning you look, shining in the light, colours bouncing off your broken tips into the world around you; he wouldn’t even care if he bled to death.

-Wankerville