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10 pm

Having a good cry listening to Night Changes and 18 and for heaven’s sake it’s been a little over a year? and those songs never failed to make me feel certain things. Each word sets a wave of different emotion. And it probably doesn’t make sense but I feel like my heart’s been folded for thousand times, crumpled and stomped. All I wanna do is just tuck myself in a thick blanket and curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry and cry my eyes out then sleep it off. Those songs make me think about the future. Depending on my mood at the moment. Sometimes I picture happy things, then my heart would swoon, high in anticipation, couldn’t wait for the bright days ahead. But there are days, like today. All I see is black, pitch black. I don’t know where I’m going, it’s like I’m drifting off to nowhere. And I don’t want it to be tomorrow or the day after. Because it’s uncertain and I’m afraid that it’s gonna end up worse than before. I just want to stop. God. I’m feeling terribly sad. And it completely doesn’t have something to do with the good life You gave me. I just… I’m sad. So would You please do everything in Your power to convince me that everything’s okay? That it’s all just in my head?

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Travel light! (Plus ddx)

We’re going to Jakarta this weekend and I’m just simply annoyed at the sight of stuff my mom and granny have packed the other day. We’re only away for a day and for crying out loud its just an hour long flight and seriously looking at the amount of food on board we can last for about 2,5 days. When it comes to travel, I’d like to think that I’m a simple person. I don’t want to bring too many things because then I won’t be able to move freely. I don’t like holding little bags here and there, having to worry about where to put them, how to get it up on the cabin, how to get it back down, how far the distance is between the gate and the plane and the struggle to carry them around while your hand is preoccupied by boarding pass, id card etc. Like come on people how do you travel with tons of little bags on your hands? 

Gosh I’m thinking too much eh? 

Being in the psychiatric ward for a month got me thinking, maybe I do have some mental disorders. I’m neurotic. That’s for sure. Or manic? Funny thing was; the PPDS once suggested me to take one of those mood disorder tests. I didn’t know how to react. I was just staring at him in disbelief and torn expression. A part of me was glad that the thing I’ve been experiencing was real disorder stuff …meaning that it could be fixed somehow. Another part of me felt slightly offended. Like dude you’re outta the line here, how long have you known me? D’you think it’s your place to say that I might or might not have mental disorder? Fuck off. Take that crappy little test yourself.

The big question is do I want to be fixed? Sure I hate being anxious all the time. But I think that anxiety is also the thing that keeps me going you know? Like I’d be completely carefree and wouldn’t give a single frick about school stuff if I wasn’t anxious. I strive for perfection. Well I’m trying anyway. And being anxious is a kind of response my subconscious mind has towards that stressor(?) I don’t know. My brain has a funny way of thinking. My subconscious mind has a lot of things to say. 

Ok sappy ‘ol self, humor me. Here’s the differential diagnosis I have on myself: 

1. Cyclothymic 

2. General anxiety disorder + depression

3. Bipolar disorder 

4. Severe depression without psychotic episode

I don’t know. I feel sappy (sad and happy) all the time. I’m expressive. I often say that I’m depressed, but I say it with high-pitched noise and passion (?) but the things I feel inside do match with the sign and symptom of depression. And I have the urge to vent a lot

Anyhooo… I’m in Jakarta atm and I’m having massive massive post concert blues. Everything I see on the road kinda reminds me of OTRA and God that was literally one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Can’t believe it’s been 2 months! 

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Playlist 06 : blue-ish wild-ish.

Owl City ft. Aloe Blacc – Verge 

Zedd ft. Troye Sivan – Papercut 

Zedd ft. Echosmith – Illusion 

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar – Bad Blood (REMIX) it sounds way way better than the original one. Come on. Don’t fight me on this. 

Little Mix – Black Magic 

Adam Lambert – Ghost Town 

Clean Bandit – Mozart House & Rather Be (Mash Up) 

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Peypahcut (Papercut).

Papercut. I’m so so so captivated by this song I can talk about it for hours. Catchy tune + Troye’s voice is such an eargasmic combination. I absolutely love the slow piano intro, then it speeds up, and the electro-music starts to kick in. Whoah. I didn’t know Troye’s voice could be this….hypnotic? I mean he’s got this deep light voice that kinda puts you in trance state. Like you’re riding a wave and you just want to sway your body left and right, you feel light headed, flying. Like you’re getting high. (Yes. Good songs do that to me.) I watched his youtube channel once in a while. He’s a sweetheart. I checked out his TRXYE EP and I was like oh okay this boy definitely can sing. I remember putting Happy Little Pill on repeat for days lol. But I think Papercut really brings out the best in his vocals. I mean his accent sounds thicker and deeper in TRXYE but I don’t know. There’s just something in Papercut that make my heart kinda sorta melts. You know what I like the most? The way he says papercut. It’s fricking PAY-PAH-CUT. No don’t tell me to chill okay because that’s fricken sexy and it sounds fricken hot and idk it has some effects on me. Okay. ‘M not okay. There’s this unwritten law that says if an artis sings in an accent you just gotta sing it back with the same accent. And that’s what I’ve been doing for days. Singing Papercut with poorly executed Australian accent. Eh. It sounds horrible hahaha. But it’s fun! I love accents! 

Papercut. I feel oddly connected to certain level with this song. Papercut symbolizes the kind of relationship I was in with some of my crush. Papercut is a superficial wound, it barely grazes your skin, it’s a tiny narrow wound, yet it feels like it cuts deep. It hurts so much you feel like it won’t able to function for a while. It bleeds a little but you’re anxious, afraid, feeling a little fragile at the sight of that. It’s sensitive, even a splash of something as harmful as water can make you wince and scream in pain. You feel like wrapping it up in nice band-aid just to protect it from the outside. You want it to heal so bad. All for a simple papercut. 

It happens several times. Whenever I get close and start having feelings for someone, I always feel like there’s actually something going on between us when there’s nothing at all? I think? And whenever that someone gets a little too friendly with another one I always end up hurting. And it hurts more than it should. I mean, that person is not even mine to begin with why should I feel that way. Gosh I sound pathetic don’t I? Hahaha it’d be fun to look back on these days and laugh at my silly little self though. So yeah. Writing is one out of few ways to keep my sanity in line. 

I reach for you and remember it was just a papercut. 

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Sugar rush

I NEED TO VENT I NEED TO VENT I NEED TO VENT OR ELSE I’D GO CRAZY. I just finished reading All About Us. All 1119 pages of it. I’m a mess I’m a crying mess. AND TURNS OUT THE TITLE DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH OWL CITY – ALL ABOUT US. God. What wouldn’t I give to fly out there, meet the author, and give her a proper hug. What wouldn’t I give to have a dreamy and happy life like Haz and Lou. Don’t get me wrong, the one I have now is good enough. I’m just saying things out loud. Long story short I totally love the ending. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The way they describe their feelings toward Alexis’ wedding, how they reminisce Alexis’ first dance, the part where they emotionally whole heartedly sing All About Us. Oh my God I feel like screaming and jumping and running around the house at this very moment! Oh and the way the author re-create Al’s first dance -this time with Charlie holding Lou’s hands, stepping on his feet. Somebody please save me. I need anti-psychotic. I think. Gaaaahhhh. It’s a happy ending. A happy happy happy happy ending. I cry happy tears. People should really consider to put it on the big screen! Imagine how exciting it’d be with Haz and Lou as main actors! I’d watch it over and over again. Thank you, LHStylinson, from the bottom of my heart I thank you! Gosh, you’re so talented! You literally make me happy! It’s funny how one book could make you go all high and hyper and flushed. I just need to find the right person who wouldn’t shudder at the sight of my iBooks hahaha. Hope to see you soon, dear someone! 

Haz: “It’s okay love, we’ll get through it.”
Lou: “We always do.”

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In the heat of the moment

I feel bad for Haz. Haz as in HarryEdwardStyles. Lots of swifties are sending hate to him still. Even the relationship or should I say staged relationship, has clearly ended million years ago. Swift has done a good job making a fool out of Haz. Making it looks like he’s the one to blame. Whatever happened to ‘It takes two to tango’. He’s been called names, humiliated in several occasions, set out as bad example for boys. Well I can’t help but develop such protective feeling toward him after all the fics I’ve read. I’m not saying what she did –writing songs, pouring her heart out to everyone who wanna listen was wrong. I mean, I get it. She’s heart broken. He broke her heart. It’s only logical to seek a kind of revenge, and in her case, it’d be making chart-topping songs. At first I was proud of her. Proud of her strength. She even inspired me to mend my broken heart by getting into med school. You know, letting him see that I was and will be doing fine without him. That he’s just a fragment, tiny fragment of my dull love life. But as time goes by it becomes kinda lame? Because I think it’s time for her to move on, and probably call off her army to stop attacking Haz. Who am I to say it’s time to move on but still! I’m a swiftie myself but I don’t really like the way she sometimes uses the woman power excuse to expose other people flaws. Indirectly. I hate how people listen to her broken-hearted songs and they’d be like wondering which boyfriend this song is directed to. What if Haz was actually forced into the relationship by none other than twisted-wicked-modest!-management? It’s not like he didn’t have enough pressure behind his back. Having to deal with management, his presumably-although I’m pretty much sure he had and has- feelings towards Lou, Swift’s energetic fans (it didn’t help when most of them were teenage girls who have gone through some broken heart episodes in their early lives). My poor poor Haz. He’s just a little giggly guy trapped in a well-built muscular body of a man with lotta tattoos. He’s made of thousand rays of sunshine; completely harmless. Well maybe not as innocent as I think he is and my opinion on him is probably clouded and biased –I tend to think that the ‘Harry’ I know in reality is the same as the one in fic. Really. When you read it you can sort of imagine the real Harry doing things like that. So that’s convincing enough for me. Plus I watch his videos, movie, and stuff so yeah-  but to me he’s ‘Haz’. And I think it’s fair to say that he deserves all the love in the world. X.