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Somewhere over the rainbow.

This rainbow phenomenon acts as a wake up call, for me anyway. I honestly never really gave it a thought before. When the subject came up I’d just shrug it off thinking that people were mature enough to do what they wanted to. With all the OTPs I have and how excited I am at the thought of them being together, I never really mind. But now that it becomes real I can’t help but think. Deep. Like, it really gives me mixed feelings and Idk how to feel. A fangirl side of me is jumping through the roof, happy for the love that finally wins. I’m thrilled, to be honest. Or is it just because all the stories and fictions I read. I witness firsthand how amazing their abilities to romanticize things are. Maybe I feel some sort of sympathy? Or empathy? Or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic person with a dull and zero experience love life so I just automatically light up at the sight of love? Like, I understand their desperation? If that. 

But a sane part of me, a logical part of me is afraid, mad, a bit disappointed that it’s all happening. It’s clearly stated in the holy Qur’an that it’s not the right thing to do. Or feel. God clearly forbids. And I am –we all are creatures of God. Bond to serve Him, to worship Him. It makes me think about how far I’ve gone. The things I’ve done. I feel ashamed to be honest. He’s given me so much in this life and the way I act is nowhere good enough. I shouldn’t even feel happy. I should mourn for…. for everything that’s going to happen after. My heart breaks when I look at my twitter and other socmeds feed. They argue and argue like they have nothing to hold on to. I don’t know. Like I said in my previous entry, life in this shady world isn’t eternal. Afterlife is. 

Either way I’m thankful for this. I realize now that I need to get right back on track, that I need Him more than ever, and that we all need saving. It just makes me so terribly grateful, once again, that I was born muslim, and that my parents raised me good. 

I’m not seeing this as a way to judge or justify people. I’m using this moment to have a look back in my life and every principle I have, to make notes about how I feel towards things. To re-evaluate myself. 

I’m not anti, I won’t pick fights. I couldn’t care less about certain people’s way of life. I tolerate. But don’t expect me to say that it’s bound to happen, or that it’s the right thing to do, or that I’m a selfish heartless human being for thinking this way.

Every man for himself.

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Something great.

One day you’ll come into my world and say it all
One day you’ll say these words I thought but never said
One day I’ll come into your life and get it right
I want you; whoever you are here with me like how I pictured it
So I don’t have to keep imagining
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?
Is it too much to ask for something great?

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Truly, madly, deeply.

Truly madly deeply I am foolishly completely falling
And somehow you kicked all my walls in 
So baby say you always keep me 
Truly madly crazy deeply in love with you
In love with you
I might not mean that much to you but to me it’s everything
Everything…

We were driving on the highway when this song came out, I was like, “What I’ve never heard this one before, is this a cover or some sort?” And my sister said that it was on the deluxe version, along with Irresistible. Oh. I was so last year. No wonder I often saw few fics titled truly, madly, deeply. (Authors tend to give out title based on their songs i.e. : Irresistible, Loved You First, Midnight Memories). The song hit home. I immediately fell for it. Just like I did with Irresistible. Didn’t take me that long to have it on repeat though. The lyrics have been stuck in my head for days. It’s the kind of song that can make you smile, unconsciously. Now there are 2 completely different meanings behind that smile: 

1. You know down right how it feels. You’re smiling and nodding and be like yes yes yes! And suddenly you feel content and grateful cause you’re also truly madly deeply in love at the moment. Then you feel the rush to text/call your lover. 

2. You’re smiling because it’s sweet. Pure sweet. Teeth rotting sweet. And you just can’t help but smile and think; what a lucky champ. But deep inside you feel miserable. You’re craving for those feelings. You’d kill for just knowing how it feels when all the love songs make sense. And then you cry. Because you feel so alone and no matter how happy the song sounds, it’s just too much. 

Anyway

Truly, Madly, Deeply tells us the story about a guy who secretly had a crush on a girl. It’s not just a crush though. He’s truly madly deeply foolishly completely falling for her. She’s his world. She saw right through him. And that’s what he liked about her. It’s very unusual for him to fall this way. He’s insecure. He felt that he wasn’t good enough for her. But somehow, someway, she liked him back. Turned out it’s not a one-sided feeling. The boy felt so happy that he’s not ashamed to tell it to the whole world. He’s finally got a girl now. Girl of his dream. But even in the midst of all the happiness, he couldn’t help but wonder, was he just a casualty? Was it all a dream? Would it all disappear if he closed his eyes? Because for him it’s all too good to be true. She’s too good to be true. But the feeling was so strong it’s overwhelming. He decided to take that chance, he finally chose to believe that it’s all finally happening. It’s real. It’s legit. She liked him back. It’s a fact. He just had to man up and hold onto that fact dearly. He knew his sanity and probably his life were only hanging by a thread. But he took that chance anyway. He liked; loved her. Has been that way for a long time. It’s a gamble but he knew he’s winning. So he said, “Please say you always keep me truly madly crazy deeply in love with you.

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Someone so scared that the only way you know how to handle things is by worrying your way through them. That’s what you are. Worrier. It makes you very successful, but also very tired, too. 

A.K. on How To Get Away With Murder

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Literally no control.

I’m trying so hard not to use capital but I. Just. Can’t. THEY PLAYED 18 AND NO CONTROL LIVE IN BRUSSELS TOUR. There. FRICK. Lucky human beings. 18 was so so so good and gentle and I don’t know how did a song could possibly sound like that I just asdfgh. 18 is like my favorite track from the album. Since day one. And No Control holds so many meaning to the fans. Lou didn’t hold back, he didn’t pull the mic away, his expression was flawless, they all totally owned it! People who think that it’s somehow a lip sync should really learn to chill. Because it wasn’t and they sounded as good –even better than the recording. I AM NOT OKAY dammit! I need a refund of my OTRA tickets! Hahaha jk. Ah. Really. Can’t help but feel extremely jealous. We’ve been waiting for those tracks to be on the set list for sooo long. And Haz has been so sexually attractive on stage lately -with the oh baby yeah moaning and all that jazz. I really love seeing Haz enjoying himself on stage like, that’s the exact reaction of me towards those songs! Haz released his inner wild dancer in him and I couldn’t be happier! They’re just too lovely and I swear I could hug them for ages. I’m now listening to 18 live and putting it on repeat. I’m feeling 1D AF. I dunno. The fact that I just finished reading another larry fic doesn’t help. AT ALL. It’s called Escapades, the fic. 1193 pages long. I read it in 1 fucking day. Now my eyes hurt. I need larger screen. iPhone 6+ perhaps? Lol jk. ESCAPADES. A must-read. Lou is a mega-rich, single, lonely gentleman where Haz is an escort. Brilliant, organized, and just, he’s not like any typical escort. It has strong characters. That’s what stole my heart for the first time. The writer absolutely knew how she wanted them to be. Nice plot, no childish twist and or conflict, enough smut, lots of music! I like it how she didn’t feminize either Haz or Lou. It’s almost like you can see/hear them act that way or say the things they say in the fic. See, stories like this keep me happy. Make me feel like I know Haz and Lou a bit better. A bit closer. It’s the least thing we can do, as fans. To have the tiniest bit of interaction. Pathetic much? You know sometimes I envy people who aren’t crazily obsessed or their lives aren’t slightly affected by bands/books/tv series. I envy their emotional stability and time management and the ability to function without those things. But at the same time I kinda feel sorry for them (?) Idk. 

Anyhoo Ramadhan is coming and I really need to take it down a notch. Hahaha. Until then.

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Playlist 07: karaoke-bound.

Secondhand Serenade – Your Call 

Adele – Chasing Pavements 

Alicia Keys – If I Ain’t Got You 

Sam Smith – Lay Me Down 

Maroon 5 – Sugar 

Taylor Swift – Blank Space 

Calvin Harris ft Ellie Goulding – Outside 

Clean Bandit – Real Love 

Christina Aguilera – Hurt 

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Stase 2: I’m still in one piece (no pun intended).

Psychiatry was all and all a fun round. The pressure to learn things wasn’t as horrifying as the last one. Even if I felt like I was being trapped in mind-trick and spent most of my time thinking about tricky stuff like personality, life goals, life purposes, life in general! And I really really hated that. I’m gonna miss the bed and full-time sleeping hour on night shifts though. I learned to socialize with people there (due to the long and detailed anamnesa), to have small talks, how to interact with stranger, and get them to open up to me. I’m not much of a people person, but in my line of work I’m forced (?) to be. But I’d like to change. I was a difficult person to talk to. Having a conversation with me was like a one way act. I was ignorant. Like, when my big family got together I wouldn’t really want to know i.e. about the delayed flights, what grade they’re  in, how’s the wedding preparations going, about the new haircut, exams, their new hobbies, etc. I didn’t do small talk. It’s all irrelevant to me. But it’s all needed for some ridiculous reasons. So I lowered my ego and learned to socialize. The hardest thing to do was and is keeping up with people. Tolerate them. That’s like…ugh. And really, after 3 long months, their true natures are finally unveiled. Mine too.