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Side effect.

I get ridiculously sad over 18. I’m currently watching one of larry videos and a slow paced 18  playing in the background. Really, the maker make it so wittingly fit. I don’t know whether to give her a hug or strangle her. It sounds so sad and tragic, yet it has a glimpse of hope about a little magic, little miracle that probably would happen. My heart aches for God knows what kind of pain. Like whenever I’m listening to this slow paced 18, I get the feeling of desperation, then sadness will come and wash over me. Top that with fetus larry. I get the whole reason to snuck up on my blanket and cry. Idk. The way I see it, they had such happy, perfect relationship; it was so so so good and they looked genuinely happy. But then came the job, and thousands of its….demands. Finally they took the fall. Now they can’t be seen together, can’t even engage on friendly convos on public, and the worst of all; they can’t be like the way they used to be. God that hurts. He used to look at Lewi with such adoration and fondness in his eyes. And now it’s all gone. (Regardless the true nature of their relationship). And I’m sad. I figure that I’m not sad for them. It’s just… I can feel their desperation and sadness creeping in the air and it’s kinda contagious so now I’m feeling blue for a whole different reason. Larry induced stress. That’s what I’m experiencing. Idk. I just want to find happiness. I want to consume happiness. I want to have a living breathing source of happiness. If that exists at all. 

“Even as young as you are? “

“Now kiss me, you fool!”

“Always in my heart, yours truly.”

https://youtu.be/YFIskUpZ-BA

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Tidbit of fangirl life. 

Funny how some of my friends find it strange for me to post anything band-related. They’d be like, do you really have to post it on your timeline? Or sometimes wow you’re like giving them free promo, so kind of you! They get really amazed when I put an effort to like a video on YouTube. Then I’d be like, how could you not? How do you sleep at night knowing that you keep good stuff all for yourself? I mean, I’d gladly share anything anything. I want people to know some things they’re missing out. It makes me happy to know that someone’s actually enjoying stuff that I posted. As for the free promo issue, I want to give the artists exposure. It works both way doesn’t it? They produce arts, we make sure the whole world knows? Like, it’s our way of saying thank you? We appreciate things. Also it gives me the warmest feeling in the world whenever anyone comes to me and goes like, the thing you posted, I like that one too! 

Talking about artist, I just found out that Chad from A Great Big World has been diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis). As a medstudent myself, I’m aware of the prognosis, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I hope he’s doing well and the treatment is working and he’s happy and all that. He’s such a kind person with breath-taking voice; the one that melts your heart right away. Makes you want to wrap yourself in it, and soothe yourself to sleep (I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else playing on the background). Chad kinda reminds me of Megan; Walter O’Brien’s sister from Scorpion. She has MS as well, but God knows she’s truly a fighter. I love that she’s always in good spirit. She radiates warmth and happiness, and she always always smiles- in non annoying way. It looks so genuine people won’t pity or look down on her. 

There’s this scene where Sylvester asked her to dance on an old song, she gently turned it down, saying that she couldn’t even stand properly anymore. Then sweet Sylvester smiled at her and said, “Come on, just step on my feet..” and they danced. God did they dance. They were giggling like teens on their very first prom night. Such a sight to see. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably. It’s just sad and sweet. My heart swells for them. (I always feel oddly connected to characters on some levels. I get emotionally attached. It’s tiring. And crazy).

This bit is the most memorable convo from that episode; Sly asking for Walter’s permission to date his sister. It goes something like this…

Sly: I know I’m probably not good enough for your sister. I have anxiety and stress and I know I’m the least person you ever want to be. But she keeps me calm, Walter. She makes me warm. 

Walt: It’s not that, Sly. I prepared myself for a long time to deal with the fact that she’ll be gone one day. I just don’t want you to get hurt. 

Sly: Let me at least try. She’s worth fighting for.

He knew it was a long shot, but he gave it a try anyway. Because despite all her issues, she’s worth everything. (There goes another sob).

Here’s to other Sylvesters in the world. You have the kindest heart! 

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Playlist 08: Feels like summah (summer).

Afrojack ft. Mike Taylor – SummerThing! 

Hey Violet – I Can Feel It 

Selena Gomez – Good For You 

Emblem3 – I Love L.A.

Jess Glynne – Hold My Hand

The Vamps – Wild Heart

Hunter Hayes – 21 

5 Seconds of Summer – She’s Kinda Hot 

Before You Exit – Model 

Fifth Harmony – Bo$$

Lady Antebellum ft. Audien – Something Better 

Nathan Sykes – Kiss Me Quick 

One Direction – Summer Love 

Maroon 5 – Maps 

Little Mix – Black Magic

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Summer of 2011, you and I.

You stole my heart, we had a summer fling

And I told my heart it was just a summer thing

But you made me fall in the winter, bloom in the spring

From June through December it was you and me 

And I told my heart it was just a summer thing 

I will always remember the summer

It’s our summer thing

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5 minutes with P&G.

Nefrology ward, a little after 10 p.m.

G: How’s it going with you and that guy?

M: What no. Nothing’s going on. 

G: Oh come on… I like seeing you both

M: Nope (popping the “p” just because I can) 

P: Do you even fancy guy in here at all

M: What’s with the question?

P: You have this disgusted look on your face whenever you see boys

M: No I don’t? Do I? (Turning to G for reassurance) 

G: (shrugs)

M: (hysterical) No I don’t!

P: Yeah you do

M: ‘Snot like that. Only when they tell bad jokes

P: (snorts) 

M: Kidding. It’s just, when we didn’t have anything in common I effective immediately wouldn’t see them as a part of my future, in you-know-what kind of way; to simplify things.

P: You’re weird 

M: I know 

P: She’s (nodding at G) not my type at all, we barely have a thing in common, but I go for her anyway (looks at G fondly, lots of PDA happening. Mentally shielding my eyes)

G: …

M: Now you’re weird 

P: It’s not all about finding common ground

M: I don’t see the point not to 

P: (hands up in frustration) I give up. (Walks outta the room)

M: so, are you guys like, official yet?

G: (shaking her head) 

M: oh. He’s head over heels for you though. I can tell

G: aren’t they all on the beginning? (Laughs) Take notes

M: oh the honeymoon phase. Noted.

That is why, for me, finding common ground is important. Like, what are you going to talk about when you’re both left alone? Sure there will always be the classic weather talks, as pathetic as it gets. I always liked the idea of childhood first love came to life, you know, like what happened in 18? You fell in love since you’re both on the playground, growing up together, he knew you like the back of his hand, but never once you both realized the little sparks perking up here and there. Not until you’re all grown up and it just hit you both on the face. Hard. I have none of that anyway, haha, I just love seeing couple experiencing love that way. I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of people fall in love with complete strangers at the first sight. Like, isn’t that scary? There’s always a chance that he’s secretly Dexter-ish (no I don’t wanna write the words, God forbids). Or that he’s probably an undercover agent on a mission (omg this one sounds super cool).The possibility is endless. My mind’s already making up tons of scenarios.

The point is, wouldn’t you prefer to be with someone you already knew? 

But destiny doesn’t work our way does it?

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Something new.

Idul Fitri used to be one of the most anticipated moments in my life. Our big big family used to get together, literally everyone would be there, staying up in my granny’s ridiculously big house –for days. I loved it. I loved the ambiance, the warm feeling of togetherness. It felt family-ish. We’d lite up ridiculous amount of fireworks ranging from the cheapest to the most expensive ones, courtesy of my silly uncle. We had few accidents but we laughed it off anyway. Cousins, all from the same age would play together on the backyard, sleep on the same bed, sharing some cheesy irrelevant secrets. We’d go and eat together on this famous soto place, yelling about who can eat the most. On the big day we’d go to the mosque wearing matching clothes, and come home to a feast of lebaran food prepared on the big table. Then we’d do our family routine; the younger got on their knees asking forgiveness to the elder. Tears were shed here and there, bits of hugging and I love yous. And our favorite part; the angpao part. Kids and teenagers were lined up, waiting for their names to be called, then came back with couple of heavy envelopes. The older you were, the heavier the envelopes got. We’d be like sitting on the round sofa, each of us carefully tore up the sticky envelopes, the smell of new money were in the air, and we’re suddenly busy making sure that we count it right, arranging it from the biggest to lowest nominal, and showing it off to others. Truly, it was the highlight of our day. Family pics were taken in thousand of different poses possible, then we’d have sorta like convo, going to our relatives’ houses all across town. I remember it clear as days, I was super excited over lebaran day.

It was before some of my cousins got married and have families of their own. Now that they find new priorities, lebaran doesn’t feel quite the same. They don’t stay up for days anymore, they come right on the lebaran day -or after. Few of them are even absent. They have other families to come home to, or jobs that can’t be simply left behind. The remaining family members go to different mosque and scatter to different places afterwards. The tradition is still there, but now that we’re growing up, it just doesn’t feel as fun. No fireworks too. Lots of gadgets, that’s for sure. We; I lose the spark. Now it’s just a platonic tradition, and more like getting your heart and mind ready for some good or sometimes heartless comments coming from your relatives about your personal life. I didn’t really mind before, but maybe now that I’m older I become more sensitive? 

I have 11 cousins, 4 of them have already happily married & now with kids. It’s nice to see my big family expanding even more, see some new faces, and I love my nephews & nieces half to death (well not literally). But. There will always be a but… I can’t help but feel like there’s something snatched away from me. Like it was all good and fun and suddenly it’s all gone. Wow I sound selfish af don’t I? Well, they’re entitled to have good lives. It’s just, I miss the old times, that’s all. 

Change is always scary. 

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Fuming. As fuck.

A little banter happened in KDM today. I didn’t know how did we end up talking about that but when one of my male friends said it out loud I was fuming. We were talking about marriage and how different it went from one culture to another. I didn’t chime in much, knowing that I had neither the experience nor the interest toward the said topic. When suddenly, effortlessly, wittingly that guy said “being a woman is easy“. We didn’t have to work our asses off- earning money, we didn’t have any burden, we’re practically living by the husbands’ sweat and tear. We’re at home doing nothing, staying at home, handling the kids. He was wondering why did women make a lot of fuss. “It’s a piece of cake! I’d pull it off even with my eyes closed,” he said. He’d make his wife do as she told. Making sure that her one and only job’s pleasing him; or was it the word “serving” that he used? 

Fringefuckingtastic. Light the fireworks. All of us women let’s celebrate! We’re brainless human beings with mundane jobs! Well, fuck you. I almost didn’t care that I was fasting at the moment. I saw red and I wanted to get it all out of my chest. I stood up, shaking, finger pointed at him then I told him to shut the fuck up. I just… Wow. There’s actually a guy like that in this universe huh? That kind of guy does exist!? I never knew a guy with that way of thinking before. I was and am surrounded by very kind male friends (few of them are true gentlemen by heart), and the kindest warm-hearted male artists like Hunter Hayes, Horton Styles, Ashton Irwin, who praise and respect women dearly. I was just thinking about Alex Goot and his new single, Elle’s Song, dedicated to his lovely fiancée, Elle- hence the title. Thinking about how sweet a guy could be. So you can imagine how this particular guy’s statement could set a wave of emotion in me.

I don’t want to compare things. I don’t think that one’s job is harder or carry more weight than the other’s. Each of them has their own level of difficulties. They’re non-comparable. But I just like to point out that for us those jobs are nowhere near easy. Maintaining a household. It’s more than just keeping the house clean and look presentable 24/7. You gotta plan about the water usage, electricity bill, how to arrange the furniture when you have little kids running around the house with big chance of tripping over some things. Cooking. It’s so much more than meets the eye. First you have to make plans about what kind of food and it’s variety that you want to give to your family. You can’t just feed them instant food or simply go outside -exposing your kids to MSG way too early- can you? Mind you that the food has to be colorful enough for kids to like, spicy enough for some family member, not to mention when one of them has frickin allergies. One wrong move and they end up in the ER. (And we’re the ones to blame.) Second, the cooking process itself takes a lot of time and energy. Don’t you notice that in order to be cooked, veggies need washing? Onions need to be peeled? Small things like that and people tend to ignore it, thinking that it’s nothing. Well if he still believes that it’s all easy, then let’s try raising. a. kid. 

How do you raise a kid so that he’d end up good and kind and smart and healthy? Teach me, show me the way if it’s that easy. I wanna know how yours turn out. Are you up for sleepless nights trying to sing your kids to sleep? Bathing them, setting the right water temperature, warming up milks in the middle of the night? Are you willing to get your breast pumped in the middle of anywhere just so your kids get the best nutrition? Or will you be there to tuck them in at night, reading bedtime stories to them, patiently, constantly engage them in conversations even if they don’t understand a bit? Will you be there to stimulate each step of their growth and development process or now it feels easier to just get home from work and sleep it off? Will you check their homeworks each day and night and make sure they do it right otherwise they’d get embarrassed at school? How do you make your kids understand that they need to study? How do you handle kids who like to talk back? Do you know how to put a limit on gadgets so that your kids won’t be antisocial? Do you think about taking them to ballet/music/swimming/pottery class so they can explore their potentials? How do you make sure that they’re not related to some gangs or other scary cult? Can you raise a kid properly so that they don’t end up pregnant at the age of 14? Because as far as I know, there’s no way in hell anyone would describe those as easy. 

I am mad. God I feel like screaming right on his face and make him see

I witness how hard it is to be a housewife. My mom is one. And everyday I become more and more amazed at her and everything she’s done for me and my sister. How much she sacrificed. She could’ve been a career woman. She could’ve avoided being in the kitchen for hours. She could’ve just hired someone. She could’ve just dropped us on day care and didn’t give a frick about our meals, education, how we live. But she chose not to. And that took every courage and well, everything. She kept a journal from when I was a kid. And it was amazing. Everything she does is admirable. It’s the most selfless job on the planet don’t you think? Taking care of your own well being is probably stressful enough. When you get home from school you just kinda wanna sleep cause you’re mentally and physically tired. Imagine being a mother of two. Or three. Or four. You don’t even have the time to think that you’re tired. Well it’s up to the individual. You can choose to care for your kids or you don’t. But isn’t the point of having kids is taking the full responsibility of what they are, what will they become? And I am once again grateful that I have her as a mother and understand by heart that what she does is great. Cause let’s be honest there’s a rebel phase in our lives where we hate our moms half to death. We thought it’s cool to do the complete opposite of what our parents told us. We thought that all they did was yap and yap and yapping around. Not many of us finally came to realization that those things had meanings & needed to be done. I am grateful that I understand and I love my mom. I love my dad just as much. I understand each of their role. And I’m fucking grateful just because I understand. When you understand something, you don’t have the need to question it. Your heart feels at ease. You see things in different perspective. And it feels good.

I’m not exaggerating. I won’t take this matter lightly. I actually feel terribly terribly terribly sorry for you. You only see women as nothing more than slaves. So so so small compared to you. Did something awful happen to you? Or is it just you?