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Fucked up.

Little Things came in shuffle and I just stopped mid-reading, and broke down crying. I don’t know. Maybe cos it hit home? Like who wouldn’t want to hear a guy or whatever serenading you with such sweet song? And I was just struck at how pathetic I felt at the moment. Was it just me? 

Am I that far too fucked up?

Am I that far too fucked up?

Am I that far too fucked up?

Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me
Your bed is in mine it was meant to be
And I’m joining up the darks with the freckles on your cheeks and it all makes sense to me

I know you’ve never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smiled 
You’ve never loved the stomach or your thighs, or the dimples on your back at the bottom of your spine

But I love them, endlessly 

I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do, it’s you, it’s you they add up to 
And I’m in love with you 
And these little things

You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep
All those conversations, all the secrets that I keep, it makes no sense to me

I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape 
You never want to know how much you weight 
You still have to squeeze into your jeans 
But you’re perfect to me

You never love yourself half as much as I love you
You never treat yourself right darling, but I want you to 
If I let you know, I’m here for you 
Maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you

I’m in love with you 
And all your little things.


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Playlist 09: Strip dance 

Adam Lambert – The Original High

Cassie – Me & You

Fifth Harmony – Like Mariah

Iggy Azalea ft . Mo – Beg for It

John Newman – Come and Get It

Karmin – Puppet

Pia Mia ft. Chris Brown, Tyga – Do It Again

Rihanna – Bitch Better Have My Money 

Selena Gomez ft. Rocky A$AP – Good for You

Tove Lo – Talking Body 

Taylor Swift – Style 

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Bona one; copy. 

In all this over packed chaotic place that is pediatric ward, I absolutely love being stationed in Bona 1. Maybe it’s the air conditioner (properly working one), maybe it’s the bright lights, maybe it’s the easy access to the outer world, or maybe maybe it’s the pack of patients that win my heart. I’m sold. See, compared to the other rooms, Bona 1 is very alive. You can see the nephrology and hematology patients running around the room like cray kids -in a good way. Not to mention their chubby cheeks! They’re always so alive and positive. Plus, they rarely cry! Whenever you come close with manset and stethoscope ready (even with needles and syringes to draw some blood), they’ll just stick their chubby arms up and smile cheekily, no mess no fuss. I love being around them, either just casually sitting on their bed playing plant vs zombie or running around chasing them. They spend the day playing with other patients on this massive carpet being spread on the floor or on each other’s bed; creating huge mess afterwards. Sometimes they go to this little park hand in hand –although it doesn’t fit the major criteria of a park which is “fun”, they don’t seem to mind. And I may or may not coo at the sight of them holding hands. It’s also way too funny watching them walking around with urine bags attached on their hips! I’m like HAHAHA GUYS STOP YOU HAVE FRICKIN URINE BAGS HAHAHA. Anyway. When it gets dark they stay on their beds, cocooned in their blankets, snuggling with their parents. Almost each one of the patients here has tablet or other sophisticated gadgets on hand, so it’s very common to hear the sound of various online game, anime, sitcom, even dangdut and India music –courtesy of their parents each night. 

Looking at these bouncy and happy kids, you won’t believe that half of them have diagnosis far too long to be put in the observation sheet. Some of the parents often get stunned, and shake their heads in disbelief looking at how energized their kids are. Maybe it has something to do with them having chronic diseases like CKD, lupus, leukima, etc., which are slow progressive, mean they basically look good and healthy outside, at the moment. They go in and out of the hospital for countless time, you can only imagine how familiar they are with the protocol, the ambiance, they know what to expect, when to cry, when to put a strong face and such. They are by the definition of pro. And it really helps the medical workers do their jobs. The parents are also very supportive. No matter how late it is for TTV time they always welcome us, DM, with such understanding smile. And they’re educated too. Forced to be. They have little books of vital sign and urine output, they keep track of the amount of chemo, transfusion, or other meds being given, lab results, etc. On Monday the doctor will put this blood smear result, consisting of leukocyte, erithrocyte, thrombocyte, eos neu bas stab segmen count, and it pretty much decides whether their kids need another transfusion, being put on hold for chemo, or being granted for some. When the long list is finally out, they’ll be rushing to the wall, pen and book open and ready. They’re trained. They also take turns in keeping the room clean, like you can find them sweeping the floor at 4 in the afternoon. The bond between the parents are also quite strong. They don’t hesitate to comfort other kids when their families aren’t available, they make jokes, share foods; they basically treat other kids as if their own. 

No matter how hectic it’s gonna be, I’m always looking forward to be in Bona 1, not dreading it, like some of my friends. The kids, have became my kids, in a way. And they never failed to warm my heart in the most hectic situation. Putra with his cheeky attitude, Marco and his long lashes, Maulid the leader of the pack, Risna and her hello kitty obsession, Safa and her wild wild hair, Ivan and his silly mom, and the rest of Bona 1 patients… Love you lots! I sincerely hope you guys feel better soon. May Allah bless you! Pure souls. X.

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Jumbled.

Do you have things that keep you grounded? Like no matter how bad the day goes somehow someway you feel like there’s something familiar guiding you, making sure you’re going to get out alive? I’m not talking about beliefs and all that. It’s just little thing that probably goes unnoticed by other people. For me it’s Mademoiselle de Paris perfume by Glenn Perri. It smells like home, for me anyway. I don’t regularly use it, aside from special events. But whenever I have exams that day, or when I have to go to some place stressful, I always always spray fair amount of that homey smell on to my clothes. Imagine you’re being all anxious and frustrated looking at the unsolved problems while the clock’s ticking rudely, when you have to do vital signs on non-cooperated patients in dingy dusty smelly packed room, or when it’s raining and you have to go to god knows where to take samples of their water supply and look for mosquitoes whatever… It’s nice to be able to take a deep breath and be reminded that you’re alive that morning; remember you sprayed that fucking perfume hours ago, and that you’re alive at the moment; take a sniff and the perfume will tell you so, and that you’re gonna make it throughout the evening, also alive. The perfume acts as a torch, that your few hours ago self handed to your at the moment self. It’s the good thing that’s been put on you and it stayed with you throughout the day, no matter how bad the day turned out. Like a firm reassurance that you’re okay. It’s a silly logic I know. Not only perfume tbh, I also have this red hairtie and certain bracelet that I wear at time like that. It makes me feel warm and like I’m not alone out there? ‘Snot good luck charm I assure you. I don’t belive in such thing. Anyway. Those things keep me grounded. Anchored. See, I pay a great deal of attention toward little things like these. INFJ-Ts seek meaning in everything that goes in their lives. It’s never “just a hairtie”, “just a pencil”, “just a coin”. 

So yeah, that’s a bit of something that’s going on in my mind atm. I wonder if anyone’s ever think about random things like that. Yesterday I was listening to Demi Lovato’s Cool for The Summer and accidentally blurted out “..don’t be scared cause I’m your bodyguard..” Instead of body type. And I found myself on the floor, laughing for ages. I wonder if anyone’s ever done that, like laughed at themselves, talked to themselves, or been amused at their own thoughts. Like the other day I was scrolling through YouTube videos and found a music vid titled Molly. I showed it to a bunch of my friends hoping that they’d get what I meant or the reason why I was hysterical over the word Molly. But they just had the word SO? plastered on their bored faces. 

Oh my god.

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RIP.

I’m legit disappointed today. On an exclusive GMA interview Lou confirms that he’s indeed having a baby. He’s buzzing at the moment. And it’s all very exciting. That’s it I’m done for real. We’ve had enough. It’s literally been a roller coaster ride for directioners these past few months. I can bear with other fake dating rumors, trip to various clubs with mysterious ladies, their break-ups and all ridiculous drama being thrown at us. But this pregnancy rumor really is beyond mean and way too hardcore for just PR-stunt. The fact that someone, a mega-star like Lou acts as careless as to have sex with a woman without taking precautions is just ridiculous. If it happened at all. 

My La-Rry ship sinks. And my heart breaks into million pieces. This feels just like the way it was with Rob-Sten. I was devastated. I adored both of them a little too much. It’s kinda traumatic you know, having your heart broken for someone who didn’t even acknowledge your existence. You put so much faith in them but in the end it was all for nothing. You mean nothing. The thing that hurts the most is probably knowing that in order to create such rumor, Louis himself has to be on board. Willing/unwillingly. And the thought of him actually agreed is just. Wow. I don’t want to be naïve but at the moment I do. My ego-defense-mechanism is projecting and Idgaf if I’m being super immature. I’m projecting on Louis. I am currently deleting all larry and louis related pics and dear do I have some memory space now. I know denying that cheeky rumor ain’t simple like there’s probably thing at stake and it’s part of their twisted marketing plan but still! When you like someone, when you adore someone dearly, it’s very very very hard to even imagine them do something as harmful as breaking your heart on purpose. Gosh I sound awful don’t I. But hey, think of it as a wake up call. I’ve been too crazily preoccupied with larry in an unhealthy way that I neglected my real life. They affected me too much it’s hard to maintain my emotion in a certain stability level. So yeah, there’s silver lining after all. 

Anyway I’m keeping Harry. I hope you find as many happiness as you deserve. All the love. X.

RIP Larry 08/05/15.

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You were a warm cuppa coffee on sleepless nights
Shooting up my veins with something way too exciting, addictive
I was blindly pulled toward your invincible gravity 
You were good and bad
In God knows beautiful way
Until you’re not
Until it’s all too much and not enough 

Goodbye for good. X.

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Just drag me down already.

God have mercy. I literally have been obsessing over Drag Me Down over the past 24+ hours. It literally has been on repeat since 2 pm yesterday. I was just chilling on KDM, then I got this weird urge to come online and check on Twitter. There it was. A mayhem on my timeline. One Direction friggin surprise-attacked us with new single called Drag Me Down. I was frantic. I sprinted over to UPI to get proper WiFi signal (oh my God I was so pathetic) and in no time I was blasting it out. I felt so grateful for the existence of music D/L. Apple ain’t friends with free-download at all. It’s so hard to contain my excitement I could only let out small squeals and jumped a little. It’s intensive care ward for heaven’s sake where’s your manner. I just couldn’t. Okay. The song was fookin good good good it’s gold gold gold. It’s always nice to scroll on twitter and screen-capture few of the fans reactions. They tweet funny! I literally can’t stop reading ’em all. I’m like YES I EXPERIENCE THAT TOO. YAS I WENT THROUGH THAT PHASE TOO. It’s just when it comes to this kind of obsession, only they can understand me and my insane flares. Also I’ve been watching some reactions video and God I was hysterical!!!!! They’re plain cute and adorable! Basically anything to do with fangirling is adorable. And I am so very very very grateful for my iPhone 6! It’s so smart (smartphone, duh) and fast and idk at this point of assault and usage my other previous phones would have been frozen. Stuck in a certain task. Or worse, the screen went dark. But not my iPhone I’m so happy! It’s able to multitask so good. Totally compatible with fangirl life. We need it fast, smart, with wide enough screen to scream over.

So. Drag Me Down. They literally on their way to drag me down this black dark hypnotizing pit and there’s no way out and it’s too late you either give it all and go willingly or you won’t survive. My heart can’t handle this; fondness, pride, happiness, excitement it’s all too much. And it all comes from one song. Ok I’m gonna try to break this song into pieces and try my best to write out my favorite parts. 

Neil my little Nialler sounds a lot like Harold and when their voices crash and melt in the chorus I just want to stare into the sky and get lost. Neil’s voice sounds so creamy. I can’t. Lewi’s solo. God my baby can sing. Oh he can sing alright. I love the rawness in his voice it’s thin and sounds like you can stretch it, in a good way, and it’s in the edge of being ripped apart. And really Lewi, nobody nobody? That’s like so catchy it sticks in your deepest brain for years. I totally have no idea what I’m rambling about at this point. Leeyum. Daddy. Dad, those low husky voice you pull out. Oh. That is so unfair. Sounds like he’s smiling ears to ears whispering all my life you stood by me when no one else was ever behind me. You can hear his smile if it makes sense at all. And Harold. My dearest little deer Harold. Where do I start. What about the “nnnnhhhhh” you draw out at the end of the word down? He’s like half moaning? And I swear his voice gets really really sensual in Drag Me Down I can only imagine how hot he must be on stage belting out his parts, running his fingers on his lean body oh God. I love that he always manages to sound so needy and desperate in a good God too good way. I haven’t even started on his high notes. Those slay. Period. Many people keep comparing his to Zayn’s. For me, their high notes both are good and have different appeal. Zayn slays high notes effortlessly. His is thick and soft like how I picture caramel would be, while Haz has to put up lotta effort for one; you can sorta imagine his veins popping out on his neck. But the neediness and raspiness come out of it really are priceless. It’s eargasmic for real. I miss Zayn. But their last songs never really put much spotlight on his signature high notes anymore so yeah

The music. Oho they manage to put certain typical popular-pop-music-upbeat-thingy at the end of pre-chorus but then you can hear a few guitar/bass strums and that’s it. The song is somehow magically grounded. It’s nowhere near mainstream anymore. Those few strums really I dig on those! And when the chorus hits, I lose my chill. I want to jerk (yes, jerk) my body back and forth and stomp my feet along within each break. I totally am so into the dramatic pause in between the words me and down like boooyah let’s do fistbumps!!! And billboard has been describing it right. The call-and-response part is a good trick to maximize each of the boys’ vocal. And even if it doesn’t sound as mainstream-ly catchy as do their previous hit songs like Best Song Ever, One Thing, WMYB etc., the tune has certain nice ring to Drag Me Down. It’s still One Direction, only it becomes more mature and more daring. Not gonna lie I’m still hoping for the next album to have floaty dreamy tracks like 18, Fool’s Gold, and Night Changes. And I hope that Ed Sheeran will be involved in the making. 

Now here comes the Larry parts. I honestly don’t want to make everything is about larry. I honestly want to stop. BUT hearing the I got a river for a soul and baby you’re a boat oh my dearest boys. Boat. River. And other nautical theme just scream out larry. I know technically boat and river aren’t exactly nautical but still! Oh now I’m making things up! The fact that haz and lou share the same lyrics on different part and the rumor that says Lewi co-wrote the song got me like wow I’m so done. I am so desperate for anything larry!

Finally the OT4 vs Zayn. I umm. Sure there’s part of me that’s disappointed big time toward Zayn’s departure. I honestly couldn’t help but blame him for all the tears shed and all. Some people said that if he’s not in it for the long haul then he should probably not get in the group at all. I know that sounds harsh af but don’t be naïve there’s gotta be a slight moment when your thought drift off and think like that. So when the Zayn who tweets got around I was like yeah zayn who. I should know better that it’s probably just another management stunt. But now I don’t give a frick. I love Drag Me Down. I’m gonna savor it. I’m gonna fall asleep and wake up to it. Management can piss off. 

“All these lights they can’t blind me
with your love nobody can drag me down”