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Playlist 13; a lil’ bit of country ayyy.

Cam – My Mistake 

Cassadee Pope – This Car

Danielle Bradbery – Friend Zone 

Hunter Hayes – Storm Warning

Florida Georgia Line – Cruise 

Kelsea Ballerini – The First Time 

Lady Antebellum – Downtown 

Lady Antebellum ft. Maroon 5 – Out of Goodbye

Lucy Hale – Nervous Girl

RaeLynn – God Made Girls

Taylor Swift – Our Song 

Tim McGraw – Highway Don’t Care

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The other white suits.

Nurses. They, no doubt, hold an important role in medical services. They’re the ones who probably see the patients a little more than the doctors or DM do. Years of experience doing practically the same things in both cooperative and non-cooperative patients, with many varieties in physical appearance, make them the experts. Sometimes even doctors can’t perform some tasks nurses can easily do with their eyes closed. The way I see it, nurses tend to act around one department as if it’s their lair. It is their lair. Doctors & DM don’t get to stick in one place together. We have rotations. So yep. We’re literally stepping into someone’s lair every month or so. For adaptable, friendly person it may not be a problem. They can just charm their way around. But I find it very awkward and uncomfortable, not knowing everything; where do they keep the medical supplies, or even much simpler, where’s the toilet. I hate stumbling around new places looking like complete idiot. I hate feeling inferior, so pathetic. I hate being in unfamiliar places. Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask and I know it’s okay to not know a thing or two; hence the term med-student. And that’s where nurses come in handy, or not at all. See, there are few types of nurse: 

1. The kind who gives you the feeling like you’re this spoiled brat, who just happen to have more money to get your ass into a fancy medschool- when in reality you’re no better than someone who’s less educated. They’d secretly mock you, comment your every move, complain about how slow and indecisive you are. Everything you do is basically wrong. They make you feel like you’re persistent itch on their skin, and treat you like so. With certain level of annoyance. They get angry pretty easily and exaggerate too- over little things. No matter how big of a smile you offer, how low you duck your head when you pass them by, how many apologies you mutter in the span of 15 hours shift, no matter how literally confuse you look about some things you really don’t understand, how polite you ask, they always have this sour look on. This is how I feel anyway, I’m pretty sensitive so Idk maybe to some people this may not even be a problem, like sometimes people are just the way they are, and we’re living in a mean competitive world. I used to be up for hours wondering whether it’s me and my clumsiness or they’re just like that. As time goes by, at the end of my shift I learn to just brush it off and let it go. Every negativity I get, every anger I feel. But I couldn’t help how I felt cos, what did it take to just be kind? I’m well aware that I’m lacking in hard skill. And yes, I’ve had enough peep-talks about how less experienced we are compared to our seniors, how fucked up our medical education system nowadays. But I’ve been trying so hard to counter my fear and anxiety, I’ve had fair amount of struggles too, so it’d be very great to have people, you know, show some kind of support. Sap. 

2. The ones who act like you’re invisible. Their works are effective and efficient already. They don’t like to make fuss over things. Kinda like spies you know, you have one job, one target, speak less, get in and get it done fast, no harm no foul, then get out quietly. Idk maybe if they let us tag along it’ll only slow them down, so they rather just let us watch and do nothing. I don’t really mind the silent treatment really, as long as they let me observe whatever they’re doing. Sure it’s awkward, you can only stand quietly and watch from behind, probably ask if they need help with anything. But at least the awkwardness is bearable. They won’t bother phoning us; making us walk at 1 a.m. from one ward to another for typical complaints made by stable patients like fever, headache, pain, etc. They’ll give paracetamol and reassurance, then report back to us when we’re around the next day. 

3. My favorite. The kind ones. The ones who respect us, treat us like the word dokter in Dokter Muda really matters. You know, like whenever there are new patients come in, they’ll notice us, ask us nicely to come upstairs to do the anamnesa and check on them. They don’t rush, give us as much time as we need to examine the patients, report back to the PPDS, who then give us directions about what to do and how to handle the condition. There’s no unnecessary panic going around. Even, I am able to stay calm and do everything thoroughly. That’s big, coming from a nervous wreck like me. They always give us chance to do our job, as DM and appreciate our presence. They make me comfortable to ask for help. They won’t mind helping us through the prescription, telling the place of some things, explaining how things work in that ward and such. They rarely ask for help to do their jobs, like replacing IV fluids, injecting drugs, arranging the medical records, etc., but when they do, it’s followed by series of apology and thank you and I’m more than happy to helpThey will engage in conversations, ask about how the medschool work these days, offer us some food, tell us to take a rest when the night gets darker, or just simply turn the telly on and let us slouch on the sofa. I’m not essentially asking for those treatments. I’m already grateful by them talking in just the right tone and not making us feel small. It’s more than enough. 

In my 7 months of being a DM I’ve came in contact with each type and, well, all had it’s ups and downs. I was totally completely afraid cos my friends were like making the one-shift-one-person kind of arrangement and it stressed the shit out of me. Lots of WHAT IF questions were running around my head. I was nowhere ready to be on-call for 3 wards; Rosella 1, 2, & UPIPI (HIV/AIDS ward). Turned out my last two shifts were total blessing. The PPDS was a fun person to be around. We basically did two rows of sleepover over night shift! And the nurses were the kindest people. There were few critical patients to observe, few new patients being admitted, 3 patients passed away, but I somehow didn’t panic and the shift went rather smoothly. I was able to rest for an hour or two. And that’s A LOT. 

So yeah, I owe it all to lovely dr. Rima and all nurses in tropical disease department; the ones I like and like less. Thank you. There’s always lesson to be learned and thank you for putting me in various situations to do so. 

All the love. 

X.

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Dark larrie, you say.

Two larry videos in a row got me dizzy. As per usual freddieismyqueen never ceases to amaze me with her skill; editing, picking the right footage, getting the message right, making frickin brilliant timeline that flows flawlessly. The brilliant ideas she has. Uh. You can convince non believers just by 3 minutes worth of video. I’m literally in awe. There’s this video called Body Language. It’s basically a compilation of their fetus glory. How they were absentmindedly drawn to each other and able to act freely; without having to hide the fond acts all the way. The soft piano version of Strong, Fireproof, & They Don’t Know About Us (all Larry related songs) serenade the whole 10 minutes video. And my heart flutters at the sight of them. My kids. My larents. But when I stop and think for a minute; I’m not 100% dark larrie. There’s still a tiny part of me that genuinely thinks that they’re just friends. Bestfriends. Touchy bestfriends. Bestfriends who don’t have any problem at expressing their fondness toward each other. As platonic as that. If I wasn’t already whipped by tons of crazy good fics in my library I’d quickly dismiss any proof video such as Body Language in a second. I’d scream out that’s just a bunch of coincidences. I figure it’s easy to break and mock larry theories. It’s so easy being an anti-larrie, once you get your logic going. We owe it to the big fat coincidences. But I’m very ambivalent. Like whenever I see larry pics I’ll be like oh my dear God they’re real but at the same time my right brain mocks me and be like get it together you fool it’s just coincidence. Cos like Liam said in a magazine interview, it’s very satisfying to have inside jokes, the ones only you and your mates know. It’s fun to watch people cook up mad theories, and when you try to act on it they go even crazier -and funnier, to you anyway. Even though it’s mean, I think it’s possible for them to do so, you know, showing PDA, giving out hints in interviews, talking innuendos on purpose and stuff. People sometimes forget that, all persona aside, they’re just a bunch of young playful boys.

So, no. Their body language or the way they act around each other or the way Haz laughs at Lou’s jokes and gazes at him, even when they mirror each other for the 1649262926th time don’t give me enough reason to believe that they’re together as a couple. What about receipts? Receipts can be made. We never know whether the stories people telling are legit or not. I can send out pages of notes saying I met H & L in a grocery store and ppl would rave about it like there’s no tomorrow. It’s very easy to make up one, that’s my point. 

But BUT the things that do tick me the most, and make me half a larrie, are their corresponding; corresponding. Not matching- tattoos. Anchor and rope, rose and dagger, the birds, lock and key, oops and hi, ship and compass, the hearts. Gosh. Their crazy amount of corresponding tattoos are far from coincidence and far too deep to just act as friendship memo. Like, you put permanent ink all over your extremities, it’s gonna stuck with you for the rest of your life…that’s gotta mean something right? And the fact that up until now, no matter how hard management convince us that H & L are both disturbed and very uncomfortable by this shipping thing, there’s no verbal statement -from either Haz or Lou- that they’re not an item. I mean, how hard could it be to just say no- if that really was the fact. And the RBB. Bloody Rainbow Bondage Bear. It’s full of shades. It’s all too cheeky and suspicious for it’s own good. And I don’t think they’re going all the way, those little details –it has official twitter now, gives me frickin headache trying to decrypt every tweet- just to fuck us up for their own amusement. See, I’m torn. Mama I’m torn!! But I guess we’ll figure out see soon enough. There’s been lot of chatter about them getting out of the closet on their big break. There’s also a theory saying that they’re waiting until the contract with modest!management is done; don’t want M!M to somehow take advantage of it, they’re the ones who put them in the closet after all.

Well, if they’re indeed lovers, I’d have the satisfaction of saying I fucking told you so. If it turned out that they’re not, then I should just take the hint to not embrace any gayness side in me. And we owe m!m a huge apology. Lol jk we absolutely don’t.

Until then.

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Playlist 12: and the instrument goes.

2 Cellos – Coldplay mash-up (Inst.)
Carter Burwell – Bella’s Lullaby
Carter Burwell – Love Death Birth
Cloud Atlas OST – Death Is Only A Door
Halsey – Colors pt. II
Lindsey Stirling – Beyond The Veil
Yong Hwa – Banmal song (Inst.)
Port Blue – Over Atlantic City
Port Blue – Arrival at Sydney Harbour
Sleeping at Last – Turning Page (Inst.)
The Piano Guys – The Cello Song

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Hot air balloon.

L: But what if I moved on to the other side of the world? Who would eat your fancy breakfast then? 

H: I’d learn to pilot hot air balloon, pack enough eggs bunny for the both of us, I have good sense of directions you know, don’t worry I’ll find you! 

L: But I like it here H! Fuck we’re amazing…we are perfect together. I’m a planner. I usually know what comes my way but now I’m flying blind and it scares the hell out of me.

H: What if it’s the other way around? What if I told you I got a far better chance outside? What would you say? 

L: I’d say you take it. In a heartbeat.

H: The same goes for me Lou… Look, why are you so afraid of betting on us? You know it takes more than oceans to break us apart.

L: But I like you, I want to be with you. Not without you. You want kids H, dogs, a family!!!

H: So what Lou? Everything with you is like an adventure. Even watching telly being lazy all day is an adventure. You are an adventure in itself. And I…I love that about you. The fact that you picked me just blows my mind everyday. Some adventures take place in different settings and that’s okay. I’m up for whatever in store for the both of us, not just up but excited. Kids and dogs are just bonuses. All I’m saying is…you don’t have to worry when it comes to us.

L: You can’t make speeches like that and expect me not to lose my mind. Fucking hell. Adventure speech. I’m gonna need a copy of that to stitch it onto a jumper and wear it everyday of my life.

H: Fine. I’ll learn to remember every word.

L: I’ll learn how to sew. You just focus on your hot air balloon.

H: I’ll come find you. Always will.

L: I know H, I know. 

Trying to recreate the scene the best I can remember. Of course, it’s far from the original beauty. How do people make lovely paragraphs out of words? These amazing authors. I’m screwed. I don’t have the gut to scroll onto the next page. They’ve been so good together, so perfect, they fit seamlessly. The story has been good, enough sweetness, nothing suspicious, no angst in sight, but why. Why did Lou have to move out and make things complicated. I’m so afraid. What if it didn’t end well and it fucked up my emotions. I always am too attached in a bit unhealthy way. I literally cried on the whole hot air balloon thingy. I will find you. Fuck. That’s a soft spot for me. The concept of finding your mate, soulmate, loved one, whatever. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t let him go. I don’t know, it sounds selfish doesn’t it? But giving out the constant good thing in your life, the source of your happiness, is not an easy thing to do. 

But then I remember few Wankerville’s words; the one who deserves your love is the one who makes you the most. The happiest. The proudest. The best. The fullest. All this time I only think about finding the one who would make me feel so. But it’s only fair to ask, am I able to make the most, the happiest, the best out of someone? 

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Thx part 2.

You’re gonna feel hopeless again

No one will be able to cast away the fear

Or comfort you at that point

But you’re gonna forget that for a while

You’re a very capable person

The fear is inevitable 

But you are capable. Very.

I believe in you

Ran 


Thank you, for your kind and generous words. I promise to post it on every social media I have, guess I’m just waiting for the right moment? I’m feeling super down and I just kinda remember the things you said over Line. I know it takes a lot of convincing for me to get going, and thanks for being the person who does just that. Again, thank you so very much. You’re my favorite person. Ever. Love you!

X. 

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ZIP code 13.

Have you ever tried to like write out a letter to your future self? It’s fun! It’s like talking to completely different person bc at the moment you don’t know how you’ll turn up, say, a year later? Like how you handle problems, how you feel towards certain things, how you see things. I’ve made a couple of those. Not necessarily letter, I usually just record a voice note or scribble out something on my note pad. It’s just casual greeting, sincere wishes that I’m doing fine and such. I usually describe what kind of mood and situation I’m in, the problems on hand, my fear, etc. Then I’ll wrap it up with motivational words -only I know how to make it less annoying. Crazy I realize how fast the time flies when I sit on my bed scrolling over my voice notes and find one, that my one-year-ago-self made for me. It was set on lebaran day, 2014. People were lining up with their respective partners and I was just by myself. To say that I wasn’t jealous would be a total lie. So yeah, I recorded one. I nonchalantly said that probably a year later things wouldn’t be the same. There’s so much things, anything could happen in the span of 365 days. Well, hahaha nothing much happened. It’s not the point anyway. I guess I just wanted to re-create that one episode of How I Met Your Mother? Ugh if only time machine existed.

It feels good to read out something from the past. How much you’ve achieved. How a big scary problem has passed you by and now you’re doing just fine. It gives you enough courage to face another one someday. Or in the present day. ‘Snot much but looking at your own handwriting, feeling the bump on the back of the paper as you wrote it out with a bit too much pressure, and sometimes smudges on the surface; evidence of few droplets of tears, it feels real, what you’ve gone through was real and you get to where you are now. 

Because friends could only listen so much. And I don’t want to be a burden more than I already am. So yeah, the more stressed I am at the moment, the more time I take to just slouch down and write or in this case type- like a mental. My mind is so tangled? I feel like I have to sort it out, write the knotted parts out, even if it doesn’t make any sense most of the time. I honestly never thought this blog would stand a week. I have couple of accounts like this one before, and as a perfectionist –tiny bit perfectionist, I’d always wanted to make ’em looked pretty and fancy, with pictures, tagged link, background music and stuff. It took lots of time and in the end I just gave up. This one doesn’t have the qualifications yet it survives up until now. Hahaha

Maybe I will survive too. 🙂

PS: thx for checking up on me, Kim. And Aya for the humongous amount of patience. Lots of love. X.