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I feel bad for people who are always objective. They never experience how it feels to unconditionally love something out of passion and fondness. 

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Things I learn in 2015.

2016 is just few hours away and I can’t believe I’ve been running this blog for a year! People say to keep things to yourself, show only a little then let people wonder about the rest. I’ve tried that, by the way. Tried to rebuild my image as I moved onto the higher level of education i.e junior to senior high school. Be less calm and quiet. But most of my friends went to the same school as I did and they were like, what’s wrong with you? So yep. 

I don’t know. I just like to write out about every little detail. I think. Or maybe I just need to vent to reduce the amount of anxiety I have inside. 

So. Few of the things I learn in 2015; 

Not everything is as bad as you think it is.
 
I’ve experienced few unpleasant misunderstandings and I thought it’d end my career; it was the syringe pump incident. I was on NICU duty that night, and around 7 p.m. suddenly a baby was retching violently. I swear I still remember his name. Me, Alif, and couple of nurses rushed to his incubator- I didn’t know how & who started it but apparently one of the wheels of the incubator wasn’t locked and when the commotion happened it scrolled away and brought down a syringe pump and couple of fluids hooked in the metallic pole(?). Surprise surprise, me and Alif (DMs) were the ones to blame. We’re asked to be in the head office on Monday and I felt sick as shit. I imagined lot of bad things coming my way, like there’s a possibility that they’re going to bring it up to Pediatric department. I was so scared that it would ruin my rotation, that they would ban me from taking the final exam til they sorted it out; bottom line, I thought that this silly thing would be the down of me. I googled the price of that fancy pump thing only to get more and more anxious. I suffered for three days. One of my friends, Will, was concerned and he did everything he could to calm me down. Those were his exact words; not everything is as bad as you think it is. He’s known to be the smartest of our own. He’s like, super calm and calculated and just knew what’s going on and what to do at every moment. So yeah, at that time I somehow believed in his words cause I was just a click away from going nuts. Monday finally came, and turned out the PPDS I was with that night decided to come along and helped explain everything. He didn’t defend us but it gave us enough courage to tell our side of story. By miracle the syringe pump was not heavily/ permanently damaged (tho I witnessed it crashed down from 1 ft tall), hence we didn’t have to go as far as to buy the new one. I walked out of NICU with a huge sigh of relief and promised myself to keep my hands away from syringe pump for a while. 

The same thing goes to Pediatric Mini CEX, Internal Medicine final board exam, and few DM-related things. You don’t wanna know the kind of ugly things and scenarios running inside my head. I realized that those were the fight or flight moments. As I picked the lottery and headed to the exam room I knew there was no going back. My instinct told me to flee. But I couldn’t just abandon everything. There were so many things at stake, and most of all, as cheesy as it may sounds, I couldn’t disappoint my mum & dad even further. A part of me didn’t want to just give up. A sane part of me wanted to man up and be a normal individual. Normal as in not wanting to die and doesn’t get nervous easily at the sight of challenges and real world. Normal as in taking what’s in front of me with no hesitation. Normal as in not thinking about every little thing, good or bad. Normal as in going with the flow.

Turned out the examiners weren’t as mean as I thought they were, the patients weren’t as uncooperative, and the questions asked weren’t as hard. Turned out I could still push myself when needed, even if I stammered once, or twice, or maybe a lot, I was able to get through. Maybe I need to give myself some credits. Instead of beating the shit out of my poor heart. At the end of the day, no matter how complicated the situation is, it’s going to pass. And you’ll live. You’ll live.

Second thing I learn in 2015; 

Team work is, no matter how hard to admit, much needed. 

You know how I hate socializing, I don’t like to have people who don’t share the same vision around, I don’t like team work. Believe it or not, team work gives me more stress. Cause it’s hard for me to trust people. I’d spend the day worrying. I work better alone. But when it comes to Internal Medicine board exam, you just can’t stand on your own. In the exam we’re expected to conduct a very very thorough anamnesa, physical exam, plus some procedures like drawing blood and urine sample (proof punction and collecting sputum if needed), do mini laboratory tests (complete blood count, blood smear, urinalysis, etc), and write out a standardized medical report; with detailed grand plan regarding their diagnosis and therapy, all in under 3 hours. There are a lot of kind of diseases in the scope of Internal Medicine and you don’t have the privilege to know what kind of patient you’re dealing with til the big day. You literally have to pick your luck in a form of lottery. You can end up with anything. TBC, pneumothorax, heart failure, acute myocardial infarction, dengue fever, chronic kidney disease, lymphoma, lupus, diabetes, literally anything. If you’re lucky you may get a simple singular case like diabetic foot, but it’s also possible for a patient to exist with multiple conditions like DM type 2 + CKD + heart failure. Good luck with that. There is no way you can get it all done in 3 hours. No way. 

That’s why we develop a kind of system to help out each other. There were 60 DMs rotating in Internal Medicine at the moment and each day of that eerie week, 10 DMs were scheduled to take the exam. Each examinee was being assisted by 2 back-ups. They’re responsible for the mini lab and by luck, looking over the medical record so that the diagnosis wouldn’t be as wrong. It’s literally the most nerve-wrecking job cause you could not get caught helping your friend at any cost. You had to be extra careful, fast, and invisible. Around 10 other DMs aka the police were positioned in the hallway, wards entrance, outside the lab and other possible route the examiner could pass by. Their job was to identify each doctor coming their way and report back to the back-ups. The other DMs were busy circling around the rooms helping out the examinee. Fetching the books to help build the case, reciting RI, helping out with some theories, or just there to give emotional support. It’s the closest thing I had to spy mission. And I still squee whenever I scroll up our group chats. It goes something like this;

Doctor X going upstairs. Alert. Pandan 1 out NOW. Pak Jafar in the hallway. Dr X coming in Tropik. All personnel out. Visite, Paru out. Watch out for dr. Y. It’s 10 all back up out now. Clean the lab.

I swear it’s the coolest & most suspenseful moment in that week. I experienced firsthand how important it was to have a good team work in that kind of situation. I felt so thankful for my back-ups and anyone involved that day. And I’ve never felt so happy for someone else when their exam went well. Now I know what it means when people say through thick and thin. It’s a scary world for doctors these days, and in our line of work it’s imperative for us to stick together. 

So thank you. Thank you.

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Swimming pools.

So tell me how I’m gonna get past this wave to empty swimming pools?
I plant my feet and I clench my teeth
I can’t outrun what’s coming after me
So tell me how I’m gonna get past this wave to empty swimming pools?

But I see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name
I can’t get there ’til I go through all of this pain
There’s a glimmer of hope like an exhale of smoke in the sky
And sometimes you drain out on the shit that used to feel right

Empty swimming pools
I’ve been running, running, run
I’ve been running, running, run
I’ve been running, running, run
I’ve been running, running, run

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Frequently asked questions. 

Q: How do you keep track on new songs?

A: I subscribe to a lot of artists on youtube, so the moment any new music or MV released, it goes straight to my notification. Sometimes I look it up on Istara FM (under the list fresh music), creative disc, any radio chart worldwide.  Or I just simply go to billboard chart.

Q: How do you download songs in your iPhone?

A: You have to do it through an app called Video DL. Other similar apps won’t do. I’ve tried a couple of them. It acts as browser and allows you to download everything. I usually convert the video format to MP3. It’s fast, effective, you don’t have to get lost in fake links and spend unnecessary time cursing. Music video is the best source to get a good quality song. I use this site: convert2mp3.net. If you feel like downloading the video out of YouTube you can use this site: ensavefrom.net. So far those links never fail me and I am eternally grateful. Oh, and lately I have another go-to site called itemvn.com it has tons of new music and the best thing is, you don’t have to worry about changing the title/ artwork afterwards. You can also try audiocastle.co if you’re into indie artists.

Q: Do you watch TV series online?

A: No. I prefer to watch it when it’s packed in DVD form, cause I hate waiting around for new episodes and I hate cliffhangers. Few places I usually go to look for DVDs: Plasa Marina (8k/disc) it’s a small shop, doesn’t have many variety of series but it’s the closest to home so… Royal Plasa top floor (8k/disc) they have several shops there so you have many preferences. Galaxy Mall (8k/disc) I just love this place, quite small but it has everything. They also give soft plastic for each disc inside the package, so they won’t scratch. City of Tomorrow (8k/disc) they don’t have many western series but it’s definitely K-drama go-to-place. Who am I kidding it’s K-drama everywhere. 

Q: Is there any Wi-Fi in this hospital?

A: Yes. From the moment you sit down in any area of the hospital, try to turn your Wi-Fi on instead of complaining how bad the reception is. Some places like Bona 1, Pandan 1 don’t have reception at all. Put it on airplane mode to save battery life and use Wi-Fi instead. Yes it’s possible, give it a try. For medstudent you can use wifi@mahasiswa and use your new id as username & password. If you’re lucky several places allow you to connect to RSDS. The best wifi spots: Internal Medicine hallway & KPRI @ Psychiatric dept. They’re super fast in the morning.

Q: I can always find you no matter how early I get to the hospital. What time do you actually get in?

A: 6.15-ish? Idk man, I’d do anything to keep up with the outside world. 

Q: Why don’t you set up your own Wi-Fi at home instead of coming early every morning?

A: The thought has crossed my mind but… How am I supposed to study if I’m on YouTube / twitter 24/7? Plus I hate hate hate being stuck in traffic. Makes me anxious. 

Q: Do you even have friends outside medschool? 

A: Yes I do. Internet friends are the best thank you very much. 

Q: Can you live without your phone?

A: How do you live a lifeless life?

Q: Are they really gay (Harry & Louis)?

A: YES. No, we don’t know, yet. We’re just assuming that they are. (I post a lot of larry manip on my timeline and the funny thing is, my friends think it’s the real deal. They literally come up to me and ask. Some even personally chat me on LINE. Gosh. I’m having hard times to contain myself).

CHEERS!  

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Playlist 14; end of Decembah (December).

You know how some people only like one hit song out of tons of other tracks an artist can produce? Like, they only listen to the ones in the radio, never ever for a second wonder about the rest. Well, I’m not some people. Whenever a song gives me that “oh my good it’s so good I need to download it asap vibe, I have to stalk the artist, every music video, every hit single, and every album. Cause I feel guilty if I don’t?

So I decided to list several albums that were released on 2015 and these are my faves. Define favorite? It means that I like-love-treasure-sing-along-whenever-it’s-on-know-every-word-to-every-lyric in these albums. The one in the bracket is my favorite track from each album. I know it’s hard, it’s like picking your favorite kid, but through emotional struggle, I made it. 

1. Halsey – Badlands (Castle)

2. Troye Sivan – BLUE NEIGHBORHOOD (SWIMMING POOLS)

3. Ellie Goulding – Delirium (Lost and Found) 

4. Coldplay – A Head Full of Dreams (Hymn for The Weekend) 

5. Pentatonix – Pentatonix (Can’t Sleep Love) 

6. Zedd – True Colors (Papercut) 

7. 5SOS – Sounds Good Feels Good (Permanent Vacation) 

8. One Direction – Made in The A.M. (A.M.)

9. A Great Big World – When The Morning Comes (Won’t Stop Running)

10. Alessia Cara – Four Pink Walls EP (Seventeen)

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Beach talks.

R: (Excited) How are you liking this place so far? It’s beautiful at night huh?

B: Um (trying to keep my hair & clothing in place) it’s windy…

E: Duh (snorts, annoyance written all over his face) of course it’s windy it’s a frickin’ beach (making gesture with his arms)

B: Right. I’m more of an indoor creature…

E: (Sending death glares) 

B: What I’m not allowed to dislike beach?

E: What kind of creature (mocking) hates beach 

B: Shut up! I’m trying okay and you’re not helping (picking up a handful of sand and toss it around)

E: Come on, live out! (Starts digging out sands to make sand castle)

B: D’you think it’s wrong, you know, like wanting to be alone and stay in and, dunno, be anti-social? 

E: You’re literally hundreds miles away from home and you want to be alone? (Is silent for few seconds) It’s not wrong per say, it’s just… 

B: (cut him off) Weird?

E: (nodding slowly) Yeah kinda 

B: Right 

E: Don’t you wanna go and explore like your friends do? (One of the tower just falls down) Oh this won’t do (smashing the sand castle away) 

B: I am weird (punctuate each word)

M: Look (re-do the sand castle) I don’t have the weird-o-meter alright, no one does. The thing is, sometimes society expects you to do things and behave in certain way, and the harder you are trying to act the opposite, the more they notice. Don’t be so skeptical. People are fun 

B: (scoff) You’re overselling it 

E: I’m fun. Dammit this hair (putting it up in a bun). Do you have any hair tie?

B: (literally rolling my eyes, giving one to him anyway) 

E: So. Got your closure yet?

B: (shrug) I don’t know. This place is quiet tho. And peaceful (deep in thought)

E: That’s good. That’s a start. (Literally grinning from ear to ear). Savor the moment while you still can

B: I’m going to comeback here, someday. Hopefully. With more advanced way of thinking (putting rocks and seashells around the castle)

E: You are. I bet you are (pats my back). Now how about some fish and chips? I’m starving!

Perth, 2010

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The how could you moments.

I’m currently in Forensic round and there’s nothing much to do when we’re on duty. Even though we have to stand by 24 hours/ shift, we only get to work when there’s written letter for autopsy, usually in traffic accidents, unusual deaths (intoxication, murder(!)) and they only come by 5-6 cases a day, top. So that’s why Forensic gives us the perfect opportunity and privilege what other rounds don’t: sleep at night. Take a look at our Diklat room you can see DMs splayed on portable mattress or tucked inside sleeping bag in various colors. We spend the day playing cards, watching movies; there’s popcorn involved of course, chatting, the boys even bring the playstation and we get caught up reminiscing the past playing crash bandicoot. Oh youth. 

24 hours is a long time. 

Too bad I’m a restless sleeper, especially when I’m not home, in my own bed. Idk what’s wrong with me I’m like hyper-alert. Like my cells are hyper-excitable. I wake up at the softest sound; my friend shuffling in their sleeping bag for example. I toss and turn and wake up literally every hour. Whenever I glance at the clock hoping that the time has magically passed, it’s not. It doesn’t matter how fancy or comfy the place is. If it’s not home then I’m screwed. When the clock hits 5 in the morning, regardless of how little time I slept in last night, I’ll be wide awake. And we (me, my mom, and granny) are not the type to get on with sleeping after the sun rises. When the sun comes out you gotta wake up. You just do. And it’s so bad when you sleep with couple of people cause they don’t usually get disturbed by little things you do. Like the one I experienced in KKN. They didn’t put their phone on silent and you can imagine how many times I woke up to the soft “ping” of their notifications. They set up alarms way too early for their liking, and every half an hour 10 phones blasted out literally every alarm tone ever existed, ranging from calming to totally nerve-wrecking, and still failed to do it’s job. The owners were all sleeping soundly, unaffected; up til this day it still left me speechless, and I was the one who went around places turning it off. Some of it went straight on snooze mode and if they set pass code on their phone there’s nothing much I could do. Sad wasn’t it. How could you not wake up at the sound of alarm? Isn’t that the purpose of alarm? To wake you up? How could you sleep at night unaware of the consequences of setting the alarm at four AM? How could your subconscious mind let that slip away without giving you hints to wake up in the form of bad dreams (you know, going late for classes, forget to put your pants on, you’re driving super fast and the brake won’t work- kind of dreams) or merely the urgency to go to the bathroom?

Most of my friends don’t think about it much, how to kill the time, I mean. While I come in with tons of things in my multiple bags like coloring book, novel, laptop, tablet, papers, sharpie, markers, power bank, pillow, blankie, socks, snacks, water -it’s super important, and other things you can actually think of when you’re stuck in a place for a day, they casually walk in with just sleeping bag and change of clothes. They rely on whatever other people have in store to entertain them during the day. I’m like how could you? Each person have their own preference and how could you put your fate in someone else’s hand? How could you go around and say I’m bored when you have the power to prevent you from feeling so? How could you wake up in the morning knowing that you have nothing to do for the next 24 hours, or worse how could you sleep at night without packing things? Cos dude, I couldn’t. 

Another how could you moment is whenever I see my friends’ log book lying around naked with no plastic cover on, with no name, with no label, let alone colorful post-it. This is a big how could you for me. Log book in every round is like your life. You better hold onto it tight. You lose it then you’re screwed. Well, you can always get a new one and run around looking for the staff & PPDS signatures for days, if you have the energy, and patience, and emotional stability to do that. But it takes a lot of work and wastes lot of time. So yeah. That’s why I cringe at the sight of green, naked, crinckled on the edges, un-named log book. Really. 

How could you.