R: Now let’s see, where are we gonna hang this… (looks around the room only to find T’s photos hanging on every side the wall)

T: awww look at him. He looks so cute (smoothed the frame)

R: I know. I’ve waited for so long. Okay what about… (takes one of T’s photos down).. here take it 

T: (confuse) you’re…putting it down?

R: (flashes a smile) yeah (hangs the kid’s photo in the said spot). Don’t you think it’s the perfect place? Now…(admiring the view) 

T: yeah but

R: oh it’s crooked (adjusts the frame for the tenth time). What’s the matter? Is there something wrong? 

T: no, it’s perfect. It’s just…(hesitates)

R: what is it? 

T: You just easily put my photo down, you take it down absentmindedly… I… It’s just a photo, I know I’m being silly but…

R: (listens patiently) but…

T: but what if tomorrow or the next day, or the day after, you end up loving this kid more than you do me and…(chokes) one day you just throw me away completely from your life? (tears threaten to fall) 

R: hey…hey now (turns to T, places both his hands on each side of T’s face) look at me 

T: (sniffles) 

R: come on, look at me

T: (looks up) sorry I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m just overwhelmed I guess I..

R: hey. Listen, I’m having none of it, not today, not tomorrow. I… Dear God, never ever question my love for you, not anymore, okay? You’re my other half. Kid or no kid, I won’t ever take you out of the picture, you got it?

T: you won’t?

R: of course I won’t you silly goose (wipes away her tears). In case you haven’t heard, I love you (smugs)

T: Forever? (A hint of smile creeps in)

R: oh hello there’s the smile (boops her nose, fonding) to eternity and beyond

T: (giggles) thank you. I love you too, by the way

R: (pats her head) I know.

Gaaaaaaah okay this is not awkward at all??!?! So. T&R just adopted a baby boy, R seemed to be in the baby bubble for longer period than T was. Bottom line she was feeling insecure and afraid that R’s gonna love the kid more, and R, being a gentleman that he was, reassured her the best he could and just boom. There goes my heart. I just need to write down T&R’s dialogue, it’s been stuck in my head for ages I swear. The moment I saw that scene I immediately thought about one of those angst fics. 

I hate myself. 


Playlist 19; tryna fit in.

Adam Lambert ft. Laleh – Welcome to the Show

Alan Walker – Faded

Diamond, Tyler Ward, & KHS – Humble and Kind

Fifth Harmony – The Life 

Kygo ft. Labrinth – Fragile 

Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo – Close

Shaun Raynold ft. Emma Heesters – Work

ZAYN – wRoNg


Is it halfway thru?

First year of clinical round officially ended 2 days ago. We’re only given few days off to slow things down and give our limbs much deserved rest. Few days aren’t enough. I’m torn between spending the day & night catching up on various shows I’ve neglected during DM (I seriously have a lot of catching up to do) or simply sleep it off. With the non-stop schedule, crazy demands, and surprise surprise tons of drama that’s been happening in the past 50 weeks, we need more than few days

The downside of being in a large group of people is you have to learn to tolerate people. No matter how annoying, loud, blunt, straightforward, how irrevocably late, and ignorant they are. Cause when you spend a great deal of time with people, their true nature and habit start to show up, and the ones you once admired or you thought you could rely to would flop. And the ones you hated with all your heart would amaze you beyond words. It’s true. I’ve had my fair share of “wow so they’re that kind of person” moments, both in good and bad way. So you see, working with various kind of people with different intentions sometimes can be stressful. You can snap, and lose it. Up until know the things that I can’t tolerate the most are (I’m trying y know but everytime it comes up I just kinda grit my teeth, clench my fists, and pray to god that I don’t lose my patience) late and ignorant people (in terms of CM, case report, & log book). I literally have no words for people who love to be in the rush all the time, dealing with crazy traffic and fighting for decent or not so decent parking spot, running their asses off through the hospital hallway. Like, how, why. You know what, do whatever makes you happy. Maybe it’s the adrenaline rush they’re after, what do I know. 

In each round we’re obliged to fill out 4 -or sometimes more- CM (catatan medis), it’s like patient’s medical history, current diagnosis, progress, planning, etc. We even have deadlines and all that jazz. We’re also assigned to different doctors to discuss the said CM, but the thing is, most doctors are uber busy and they often left our work untouched let alone discuss it. So I get why it’s hard to find motivation to write out 4/5 CM a week. We have a way to make it easier tho. Each of us would do one different case then we swap, so the job can be done faster. Cause dude, CM is not the only thing we have to deal with in one stase. But. There’s always a group of lazy-ass people who love to procrastinate. And when the deadline shows up they’re busy writing them off, the tension build up high, and any slightest miscommunication can lead to disaster. How hard is it to copy paste a piece of work that your friends have kindly made & posted it on LINE under specific well described album? It can’t be that stressful for me if it ain’t group works, hence we have to do everything together, submit everything together, if one person’s somehow screw up then we all are, if one person’s somehow late then we all are. After all this time I stay away from all the stuff that triggers me. I do my part of the job and that’s it. And log book. How hard it is to fill out your identity, scribble out the doctor’s name and topic after each session? My point is, when someone is kind enough to go manage and handle all of the group works, why don’t we do anything in our power to make it easier? Idk. Maybe it’s just me. I have nearly zero tolerance and sometimes it drives me crazy. I want to be a chill, relax, outgoing person. But I don’t think I can? I’m always on edge whenever a job’s undone, I won’t be able to relax and give it a rest.


But sometimes being in a group gives you happiness you can not measure. When things go terribly wrong, exams come bit closer, night shift makes you restless, you can turn literally everything into jokes and just laugh it off. That’s the thing that I wouldn’t trade for the world no matter how annoyed I get when it comes to tolerating people. I’ve been together with my little group of friends for a year. And they’re such a delight to be around. I love our group chats. How funny and characteristic each person is. I love that we have our own role. When I’m being the anxious over sensitive one, there’s always someone who becomes the buffer and everything is somehow okay again. Sure we fight like there’s no tomorrow, but deep down I know we don’t mean any of it. 

Sadly we won’t be in the same group for the next clinical round. And it’s fucked up. I’ve learned to tolerate these people, I’ve grown fond of each one one of them and to know that I won’t be around those people makes my heart churn. I feel like something’s being ripped off of me and right now I’m just plain mad. I feel like I’m being betrayed cause most of them still get to be in the same group. God. This looks like the thing 6 graders ramble about doesn’t it? But when you’ve been in clinical round for so long, you need to know that if things screw up, you have at least the right people to make you laugh.

I don’t know what to feel, like, should I be sappy? Put a I don’t give a fuck mask on? Pretend it doesn’t affect me for the next 365 days? Be wise and post motivational words? Runaway and never look back? 

What’s the protocol here? 


There’s an angel looking out for me

Cause I ain’t well

Though I try to be 

I’m dancing all alone

Cause I can hear you sing

I need my angel

Like heaven needs another set of wings


Playlist 18; and the darkness wins, every once in a while.

Some nights, no matter how hard you try to suppress it, how eager you push yourself to ignore the devilish voice screaming thousands of ugly thoughts at the back of your head, you just kinda give in. And weep every once in a while. Sometimes little things that tick you finally build up to the point where your positivity and smile can’t fix anymore, and the dam just breaks. Then you put your headphones on and immediately get stuck in few gloomy songs that’ll only add more bitterness in your already wrecked feelings. And then you cry for god-long hours for this and that, and bits of things you can’t even explain. That’s how suppressed feelings work. You feel small and unhappy when people around you are at their happiest state. You feel like the world is out there to get you. 

Where are you going to run though? Even your mind sometimes plays trick on you.

5 Seconds of Summer – Invisible 

Alessia Cara – River of Tears

All American Rejects – Straitjacket Feeling

Conor Maynard – I Took A Pill in Ibiza

One Direction – 18

Ed Sheeran – Kiss Me 

Owl City – Silhouette

Parachute – Hurricane (Acoustic)

Secondhand Serenade – A Twist In My Story

Troye Sivan – TALK ME DOWN 


Sounds Live Feels Live; the day.

I can’t even begin to describe how magical Sounds Live Feels Live Jakarta was. To me anyway. They genuinely sound better in live performances than in record. Being able to see Michael shredded his guitar was just eyegasmic. Seriously the whole show was eargasmic, eyegasmic, limbgasmic, organogasmic. Right. Anyway we got a good seat. Not too far away from the stage. And the moment the door was open we couldn’t hold our excitement any longer. We literally screamed like proper school girls. 

Few hi-lite of the show; 

1. Luke wore all-black outfit (plus he’s growing beard lately, I honestly thought he would flop, but boy, did I squeal). I absolutely love that his ability to master the stage has improved. He no longer stood there clueless. He looked more confident. And his vocals, never missed a note. I love love love Waste The Night cause he literaly took the mic out of the stand and just walk around the stage and sang. Man the song sure sounded deeper. 

2. Calum was being super duper über cute in his new haircut and his extra long bass and I was just sooo enchanted at his bass-skill. Especially in Jet Black Heart and Disconnected. And when he mentioned that it’s their first time being in Jakarta yet so many people were there to watch them play and it made them so thankful, I swear I could see his eyes went glassy. Or maybe it’s just the screen. PS: he did forget some lyrics, and watching Calum mumbling some incoherent words was the cutest thing ever.

3. Michael. My love. My muse. His faded blue hair. His guitar shredding… Of all their performance footage in OTRA show, I was always always dazzled by the sight of Mikey and his X guitars, my favorite were the green and black ones. They looked idk majestic? I still couldn’t believe that I saw the black guitar with my own eyes that night. I was just. Okay. On a lighter note, I was also convinced that he’s a kitten in human form cause when he said “we got two songs left” and we were shouting a big NO, he was like “why did you say no, you should be like awwwhhh” (right then and there I lost my shit) followed by a scrunched nose and all cute things he could do with his face. Damn. What did we do to deserve dat! He’s a ball of energy and the way he jumped around the stage got me like GET DOWN I NEED TO PROPERLY HUG YOU. You blue haired kitten! Gosh I’m so in love. No tea no pink shade no lemonade I got me some memorable MuKe moments recorded. Never give up your ship. Ever

4. Ashton. Real sunshine. He kept the show alive with his kind-too-kind-speech. He mentioned about Indonesia being close to home thus they should travel here more often, he fucking giggled and laughed like he’s made out of sunrays, he’s just sooo kind. He’s got great amount of energy to bang those drum non-stop whilst smiling. My strong man. He’s like sweating all over and people around me were like LET ME CLEAN THOSE OFF FOR YOU. Bahahaha.

5. The fan project went really well. It’s quite touching actually. We put up signs during Jet Black Heart with the words I AM ….. (You can fill in the blank with the word that describes you the best. That night I chose insecure, anxious, and passionate, just because). Thru these signs we wanted to let them know that to some people, including moi, their music has helped us in some ways. It’s a part of SLFL worldwide project and the band noticed it several times. I was just happy to be in a part of something, to voice out my struggle, and look around only to see that lots of people were feeling the same. It gave me some sort of relief. Idk. 

6. Favorite songs during the show (ones where I literally danced my ass off) were Permanent Vacation, Disconnected, Castaway, Waste The Night, End Up Here (we blew the roof off the stage), Beside You (Mikey’s guitar solo. Enuff said), and Amnesia (I might or might not shed a tear or two).

7. The venue and service was satisfying. They provided us with indoor venue (great acoustic too by the way), multiple and clean toilets, not too expensive food vendors, spacious parking lot and exit access so the traffic wasn’t as bad, friendly and lots amount of staff to help us with the seat number, no exaggerating body-check… Bottom line, the price we payed was totally worth it. Love the music promotor. 

8. They ducking made impromptu songs called Jakarta and Nasi Goreng (they requested to be put in team nasi goreng and who were we to say no). It’s basically just some melodies with the words jakarta and nasi goreng being repeated over and over but the fact that they made effort to show us their love was heart-warming. 

Some of my friends told me to get less attached to these stuff cos it might turn boys off and I was like, no. Absolutely NO! I won’t let them out of my life. Ever. Not until whoever that guy is – gives me the same amount of happiness I get when I fangirl. So yep. No.

All in all I was incredibly thankful that once again, one of my dreams finally came true. I know my definition of “dreams” sounds so shallow and less ambitious, but hey, at least I’m living it.  

Here’s to lots of other memorable gigs in the future!!!!!



Sounds Live Feels Live; how it all started.

I’m the happiest person alive. I just got back from one of the craziest shows ever. Been waiting for 2 years and I still can’t quite grasp the fact that one of my dreams finally came to life. I started stanning 5SOS back in February 2014. A bit late I know. But it escalated very quickly. In no time my camera roll was a mess of 12 thousands-something pictures of 4 Aussie dudes. It came to the point where I used Mikey’s hair color, Ash’ hair and Cal’s tattoos to tell the time. (Luke did nothing good luck). When they announced that they’re, once again, gonna support 1D on the tour as an opening act, apart from having their own headline tour, I was a crying mess. But there was no 5SOS on my OTRA show and surprise surprise, Indonesia was not listed in Rock Out With Your Socks Out tour. There went my two chances of going to their gig. I was so skeptical and broken hearted. I couldn’t stress you enough about how much I wanted to go. Cause in all of the footages I’ve downloaded (RIP my tablet) the crazy atmosphere was the thing that I noticed the most. And I crave that feeling. To be able to sing and dance off and just go crazy. 

When my sister came to me with that cheeky schedule of Sounds Live Feels Live I was totally overwhelmed. We promised to do whatever needed to get the front row tickets. But the price listing and seating plan showed up and crashed my hopes once again. ‘T was crazy expensive and the downside was; there was no festival (standing) section, expect for fanpit. The furthest section from the stage worth 900k and the closest (fanpit) worth 4 mil. For soundcheck experience they demanded 6-7 mil. Left us hanging with great amount of disbelief. After few heated arguments with my sister (she insisted on buying the most expensive one, she had saved enough money and thought that after months of suffering she deserved it. But I just had to talk some sense into her. Seven million!!!! You could do so much!) we decided to purchase the middle section (1,7 mil each).

Don’t get me wrong. I wanted and still want to be in the front row so much it hurts. But Idk, maybe it’s the quarter life crisis, maybe it’s the money, but as I grow older I start to slowly realize that there’s so much more to life in this world. I know for some people this fangirl life might be the only thing that keeps their sanity in check. Used to think that way too. But after what seemed like century, again, being a DM showed me the complete opposite. Like, what we see, hear, feel, think about at the moment is just a tiny dust of so much  bigger thing that is life. 7 mil for one concert ticket was a bit too much. For us anyway. I stan them but I also like to think with some sort of logic. But heeeey if you have endless amount of money lying around, you have your future all planned and financially secure, then knock yourself out. Enjoy life. This is not a sarcasm. ‘M not judging. 

So yeah 1,7 mil worth of tickets gave us happiness just the same. We had tons of fun and I really really really want to post it on detail. I HAVE TO. Just in case I need something good and sweet to remember in the future. Something to keep me going. But now I’m completely thoroughly happily knackered and I need sleep more than ever. 

Part 2?