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Playlist 20; new mountain.

Before You Exit – When I’m Gone

Desiigner – Panda

Kygo ft. Kodaline – Raging

Little Mix – Hair

Nick Jonas – Champagne Problem 

Rihanna – Needed Me

Rixton – Hotel Ceiling

The Chainsmoker ft. Charlee – Inside Out

Zayn – Golden 

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On edge.

I have trust issues. I don’t do well in team works because I don’t trust people. I don’t trust people who don’t look anxious, who aren’t organized, who left their things scattered around without so much of a name-label. People whose default setting is chill and go with the flow. I literally cringe. But I have nothing against it. Really. Promise. 

The point of working in a group is trying to solve problems and get things done together. You equally divide the job to make it easier and more bearable. But my mind doesn’t work that way. I’d rather do it alone, stay up late, sacrifice few hours of sleep, and get everything done in one night than have to wait around for 10 people to submit their part of the work via e-mail. Which in the end doesn’t turn up like how I want it to be and I have to do it all over again. So I often put all the works on my shoulder, without even trying to give people enough chance to participate. I’d be like, meh, it maybe takes forever for them just to work on 2-pages long essay, ok then I’ll do it myself, they can be in charge of printing. Team work takes a hell lotta patience and understanding. People say that being in a group with me takes their worries away, cause I’m the one who’s always worried, giving checklist for everything, making sure that everything works. I know it’s crazy. But at least I can sleep safe & sound at night knowing that the job is done and I’m pretty satisfied with the result. Sure it’s tiring, sometimes it’s emotional, especially when you’ve worked your ass-off and no one else seemed to notice, let alone whispered a thank you. But I’m not complaining. I’m the one who push people away. What do you call it? Selfish? Individualist?

Whatever floats your boat. 

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Drive.

I never touched my headphones. That’s how awful my days been. It’s not awful per say. It’s just tiring. And exhausting. I didn’t mind going to places riding a motorbike before, I mean it’s fast and economic. But when you have to go to more than 3 places a day, it’s a big no no; not to mention that you’re practically clueless about the road, google map only makes it worse, plus the sun is shining super bright like it’s out there to get you. Well, sometimes it’s raining and you’re soaking wet- it’s either drenched in sweat or raindrops, really, there’s no in between. I don’t have much choice. We’re a group of 4 girls, only 2 of us can ride motorbike and most places related to puskesmas and penelitian aren’t reachable by car so… 6 days a week out in the open. I don’t wanna come out as ungrateful and spoiled. I’ve had my fair share of motorbike-days in my life. Trust me I enjoy it as much as I drive car. But I never felt this tired on regular school-days. I don’t know, maybe it’s the heat, the traffic, the unbelievably narrow and extra bumpy roads, the tension, the stress. The worst part is when you have to wait for the red light under the sun, the heat shoot right through your helmet and your head won’t stop throbbing. At the end of the day I’d just strap off my helmet, jacket, mask, hijab, gloves, clothes and just doze off to sleep. No fancy bubble bath, no vanilla scented scrub, no music, nothing. I just kinda lost the energy to do fancy and happy things. This is stase is the kind of thing that you have to go through and you, no matter how hard you try, can’t find any exciting thing about it. It’s like an itch that you’re not allowed to scratch. Every time you close your eyes you wish that you could wake up to a new stase, a new day. 

But there’s always something we can learn on the way ‘innit? I went to give my car a spin yesterday. It’s been a while (a month, to be exact). I just drove around mindlessly, enjoying the view, no rush. I waited for the light to turn green, patiently. I put on my favorite music and sang along. The sun didn’t bother me that much. My head wasn’t throbbing. My back didn’t hurt from strapping overweight backpack. I was close to tears. Oh so this is how it feels. I never gave it a thought before. Whenever I felt like it I just grabbed the keys and go. I cursed when the traffic was bad, I scowled at the red lights. I failed to acknowledge that I was lucky enough to drive a car. It’s not just a car. It’s something good, a luxury that God had kindly given us and I should never ever take it for granted. 

Be grateful.

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The letters.

How do you love yourself? I came across few letters that I wrote to myself years ago, asking me to remember how exactly I felt that day. It’s not much. Just some memorable events in my dull life. Some happiness, some achievements, and lots of rants about ugly things. The thing is, I find the words worthless, failure, not good enough, low self esteem, and wreck in each letter and that’s just, the way I think, the way my mind works never change. I used to think so little of myself and I still do. Throughout the years I still haven’t changed. I never stop being pessimistic and glass-half-empty kind of person. I seek comfort in being pessimistic, to be honest. However miserable that sounds. I want to talk it out but then they’ll just get tired of me “whining” won’t they? I don’t want them to back off and runaway now do I?

Seriously, like, how do you love yourself?

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I

Feel

So

Terribly 

Sad

Feel

Like

There’s 

No

Hope

I

Feel

Lost

Feel

Like

Giving

Everything 

Up

And

Let

Go

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Saturday leads to Sunday.

Sometimes I’d wake up wondering how the bed could hold the weight of it all. I felt stuck and stupid for not knowing how to be not afraid. There were days where I’d struggle over simple thing like going to the store, cause they seemed like asking for trouble.

                                             -h.p.c.

I read that having anticipatory panic means that you’re trying too hard. Instead of relaxing and trusting yourself you’re trying to make everything perfect, and it often leads to the fear of not being able to accomplish that. Instead of using all their potential, anxious people sometimes fail to recognize that they’re far beyond they think they’re capable of. It’s actually tiring and frustrating. Deep down you know that you’re more than able to be something or do something, but then silly worries come along the way and you’re just back to zero. Being out of your comfort zone is a horrifying thing to even imagine. And at the end of the day you won’t be able to forgive yourself, keep blaming yourself for every choices you made or didn’t. For every wrong turn and time wasted.

From what I gather, there are few tricks to counter or at least try to ease this anticipatory panic you have. 

1. Anchor yourself to the present time

Whenever your mind starts doing that nasty thing, take a deep breath, count to 10, ask yourself what day date and time is it, where are you, how are you, what’s the real problem at hands now. You can write it down or simply whisper to yourself. By focusing on present time, hopefully your mind will hold the anxiety at bay and save it for when it needed the most. I never did this. My coping mechanism nowadays is avoidance. I refuse to think about things that make me anxious by fangirling/ else. But sadly sometimes it brings out more negative outcome like neglected homeworks, low battery, dry eyes, emotional attachment, etc. It also makes me more reluctant to get back to reality, then it will create bigger defense I build toward certain things.

2. Expose yourself to as many “worrisome” situations as possible 

Aka challenge yourself. Instead of avoiding things you should grab the opportunity and embrace the situatuon. That way your brain learns to adapt in stresful situations, develops some sort of immunity, and the things that once seemed dreadful aren’t looking so intimidating anymore. This is my mama’s method by the way. Don’t expect her to go soft on you just because you don’t know where to go/ how to do something. She’ll force you senseless. She’s the complete opposite of me. Sometimes I wonder why, how, I was raised by a bad-ass mother like my mom, yet I still end up like this (sappy, emotional, gooey).

3. Exercise, eat healthy, listen to music

4. Talk to yourself, counter attack your brain with logic. Your worries are fictional. List all the bad things that may or may not happen, don’t forget the good things too

This is very hard. My mind is sometimes being too skeptical and very hard to convince. There were lots of scary things that I went through just fine despite of ridiculous amount I spent worrying. Every bad prediction was proven wrong. The future isn’t set in stone. It’s a solid fact based on true experiences yet my mind fails to use that as a way out.

5. Seek professional help

I’ve given it a thought or two but idk I’m more interested in the support group idea. But it’s still uncommon here in Indonesia so, there goes.

6. Pray

There were times when I just didn’t know what to do, or say anymore. And putting it all in God’s hands sometimes gives me some sort of serenity. Prayers calm me, most of the time. But the bits of worries are still sitting there. Waiting to come out and make my heart & stomach feels hollow.

Reading all the articles kinda helps me realize that there are other people out there who are battling the same thing. Along the way I was like God that happened to me too, oh I feel that way too. The inside voices whispering ugly things, self hatred, the frustration, right up to the bad scenarios, these people are experiencing the same things. And I always, always cry whenever someone says something about being gentle with yourself, stop beating yourself, etc. 

I don’t know. I think it’s a good first step,  figuring out my problem. Hopefully I can get to the next step, and the next step, and the next step. I don’t know if I can be fixed. Maybe I’m damaged for good. But the last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same. 

X

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How do you explain it

For 4 years I made it through the falls

I’m living it all

I’ll take another sunrise 

Another hand to hold tight 

This isn’t over

It’s never over 

I am way too young  

I won’t stop running 

And surviving