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Too much.

You’re 20 now, and I still see the lights fade in your eyes everytime you talk about your interests for “too long”. Apologies littering every other sentence. Words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.

I could listen to you forever, though I know, speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious. All I want you to know is you deserve to be heard. For 3 minutes, for 10 minutes, for 2 hours, for-ever.

There will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your heart; mostly because they can’t handle their own.

But you will never be, and have never been “too much”.

-TylerFord.

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Playlist 23; floating.

Audien ft. Seb’s Daughter – Crazy Love

Elephante ft Brandyn Brunette – Plans

KHS ft. Diamond White & AJ Rafael – Never Be Like You 

Kygo ft. Julia Michaels – Carry Me

Matthew Koma – I Wish (Karboncopy remix)

Mike Perry ft. Shy Martin – The Ocean

Stephen – Crossfire

Stephen ft. Talib Kweli & KillaGraham – Crossfire Part II

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Clouds & storm.

When you’re feeling so upset or like there’s nothing else you can do and you’ve prayed and done your best to survive, never forget that you can always turn to your mum. When it comes to challenges in life, or facing the things that scare me the most, my mum’s advice, to me, won’t help at all. She’d be like, that’s life- it ain’t obstacle free, there’s no room for being melodramatic. You’re a grown up, with decent education, you know how to communicate, you have your belief to hold onto. Think I’ve prepared you good enough for this. I don’t wanna see you moping around. Problems aren’t just going to solve themselves. Face it, untangle it, do it one step at a time. 

See they’re just motivational words I honestly can’t put to a good use in my depressive state. But I get this warm feeling and relief when she goes on like that. I know for a fact that my mum is not a big fan of expressing love / concern in sweet & mellow way in public. So that’s her way of saying that she cares, that she’s afraid & sad for me too, but she can’t show. Being the only girl in the middle of 4 brothers did that to you. 

But even if they’re just words, the fact that your mum knows you’re in the middle of a crisis itself already helps. Cause then she will pray for you, and the ultimate peace and serenity comes from that. Of course you’ve done your big amount of praying, that’s also important, but, knowing that your mum prays for your well-being as well is just…nothing compares to that. My mum never misses her Tahajjud prayer. She would wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, do her prayer for God knows how long, then pad slowly to the right side of the bed where I sleep. She would lightly stroke my face, arms, feet, kiss my forehead and whisper some prayers on my ears. I try my best to stay still, and pretend that I’m asleep. But some nights, some rough nights I can’t help but cry -happy & relieved tears in silent, cause no matter how bad it gets, I can feel my mum’s prayers envelope me, like a big warm blanket, shielding me, assuring me. Your mother’s blessing is God’s blessing. I believe that with all my heart. That’s why whenever I go, whichever route I take, whatever exam I have that day, whenever I’m feeling sick, I always come to my mum. My mama. And I don’t care if I end up being scolded cause I cry too much tears over one silly thing. 

I am blessed.

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Anesthesiology.

Anesthesiology wasn’t as scary and intimidating as I thought it’d be. It’s quite useful to be honest. We learned first-hand how to handle emergency patients. Time saving is life saving. That’s their ultimate motto. I know I don’t work well under pressure/ in a rush but at least now I know what to do when a patient come in the emergency room. ABCD Airway; by doing LLF (look listen and feel) make sure their airway is free from obstruction such as blood or solid materials-Breathing; again with LLF, make sure the patient has enough oxygen resource, if they don’t give them oxygen therapy-Circulation; look for any schock telltale like cold and wet perfusion, increased heart rate, low blood pressure, etc and give fluids immediately-Disability. It’s all that matters. I didn’t care much about the operating procedure, I know it’s way out of my league- and General Practitioner’s competency. Save the patient first. Take care of the more pressing and deathly issues first. It’s very different from the mindset that’s being taught in any department, internal medicine for example; in each flask of fluid we give we have to think about the side effect, have to consider about the patient’s condition like heart or kidney problems. While in anesthesiology they’re moving in treat first ask later pace. 

We had 3 work stations; operating room, resuscitation room, and ICU. We didn’t do much in either operating room & ICU. We’re just a bunch of inexperienced DM, standing in the corner, observing. I hated that helpless, useless feeling. The music was fun though. Lot of PPDS brought mini-speaker and blasted on their spotify playlist –in the middle of an operation procedure. I was quite surprised, from my experience, only a few of PPDS (in DM 1) really into music/ knew today’s hit songs. A year ago I tried to make friendly convos & told them (Neurology PPDS) about my 1D concert experience, I was still in post concert haze so I was squealing & sparkling & full on excitement but I could immediately tell that they genuinely sincerely didn’t have a clue about what / who / why / how 1D was. And that’s why ladies & gentlemen, I don’t socialize. 

So yeah. The music helped! 12 hours of night shift just passed by, I sang through the night, bopped my head and such. I didn’t hold back cause you know, oversized sterile gown, mask, nurse cap, glasses, hijab and all, nobody really knew who you were. Unless you’re popular that’s another story. The majority of PPDS inside was actually male, and you know they’re super loud, and talked rudely sometimes. They didn’t take time off (a moment where you state the name of the patient, operators, type of surgery, and say a little prayer) seriously. And I loathed that. Blame my sympathetic soul. That’s pretty much all we did there. Observing. Fetching up things & medicine from the Depo, anytime anyone needed anything. I didn’t really like orthopedic cases, there’s lotta radiation involved. When it came to surgeons and anesthesiologist there wasn’t much of female PPDS and that’s where things got bit awkward. They would blindly talk about girls -DM & PPDS, and I had to endure that for 4-5 hours. In few occasions I was bombarded with tons of questions about my popular-female colleagues. The dos and don’ts. I felt like I could roll my eyes to the back of my head. Men. 

We could learn a lot in the resuscitation room. We received any patient with various emergency condition and to my surprise, the PPDS really were calm. Blood was everywhere, the patient had trouble breathing til the skin turned blue, the beds were all occupied, all screamed out CHAOS. But it didn’t affect them at all.  Well there was always someone who unnecessarily barked orders, making it dramatic like any medical tv shows. It’s totally unnecessary, cause everyone literally knew what they’re doing, and they’re amazingly working in total sync. When a patient came, the doctor in charge would quickly assess the ABCD problems, in the same time the nurses were all ready with masks, oxygen, infusion set, and blood sampling tools. We sometimes helped setting up the monitor, giving oxygen therapy & other IV line medicine, putting urin catheter in, nothing fancy, but it felt more useful, and purposeful.

Come to think of it, I don’t understand how most of my friends manage to proudly wear the OK costume, acting like they’re ready for a surgery, pose for a few dramatic shoots, and put that in their display picture. I mean it’s up to them really I have zero business. But for me I feel like, by doing that, I am the biggest con ever. Cause in reality we don’t get to do anything close to fancy in the OK. Except for very few people who are brave enough to ask for a chance to assist some minor ops. The costume is there for procedure and nothing else. There’s really nothing to brag about. 

What’s left of it then? Vanity? Or maybe it’s their optimism, happy & carefree soul that I actually envy?