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Playlist 26; reverie.

Alan Walker ft. Gavin James – Tired

Ed Sheeran – What Do I Know

Harry Styles – Two Ghosts 

John Legend – Surefire

John Mayer – Emoji of A Wave

Jonas Blue ft. William Singe – Mama

Kygo ft. Ellie Goulding – First Time 

Lady Antebellum – Somebody Else’s Heart

Martin Garrix ft. Troye Sivan – There For You

Timeflies – Raincoat

Rascall Flatts – My Wish 

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Souvenir.

I finally did my UKMPPD. Who would’ve fucking thought. I never pictured myself waiting in the queue for the most dreadful exam, pretending that everything’s superb. We had to do 14 stations (one for each system; respiro, gastro, musculoskeletal, etc., & 2 recess posts). In under 15 minutes we’re expected to do… everything. There were a lot of things that I didn’t do & regretted it later. My mind played a very powerful role in this kind of situation. In the exact moment I read the question (patient’s chief complaint & list of the things we had to do), and realized that I couldn’t figure out where the question’s going, or what kind of disease I was about to diagnose, I freaked out. I was still able to function. But it’s more like automatic survival response. Almost robotic. My mind would be soooo preoccupied that I refused to let in actual important informations that I unconsciously dug out of my patient. It went something like, “oh he has fever, it’s been 5 days, no gastrointestinal symptoms, no bleeding, the fever spikes up once every 3 day”, instead of processing that and making conclusion, I’d be like “HE HAS FEVER WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO ITS NOT TYPHOID ITS NOT DENGUE WHAT DO I FUCKING DO.” That happened. I put malaria in the differential diagnosis but I was so stupid that I forgot to ask about the blood smear. Turned out it was positive for plasmodium falciparum. I changed my answer in the last 2 minutes & hurriedly wrote down some medicine that came to mind. There goes my professionality point. That’s just one tiny example of my irrational fear & stupidity during the exam. 

In between posts I tried so hard not to run away. Tried so hard not to think about the mistakes I made in the previous post. Tried so hard not to think about the possibility that I might not pass the exam. Funny how everytime I took the first step to each room, my body was very determined to get things through. When I was so caught up in my own head & felt like I couldn’t move or breathe or ask whatever I was supposed to be asking, my mouth would blurt out anything-stupid or not, that came across my mind. When I couldn’t decide what to do, which instrument to pick, my limbs would do any physical examination, relevant or irrelevant to the disease. It didn’t matter at that time. As long as I said and did something. 

But I also had tons of blocking in the middle of KIE (educating & consulting the patient). You know how we relied on KIE in psychiatry, and basically all level 4A diseases. But I just kinda forgot some words. Like, one second I was talking about the importance of taking the medicine continuously, then I just…stopped. I was trying so hard to find the appropriate word to say, as if I was talking in other language, leaving the patient with sympathetic & understanding look on their faces. I guess there’s a limit to your survival mode after all. I stuttered. I screamed internally. A fucking lot. 

How I survived that day is beyond me. Grateful? Yes. Very. I did something I never thought, in million years, I would. Seems very little to everyone else but it’s a very big thing to me.

The result isn’t out yet. Here’s hoping for the best.

X.