Some days are blue. Some just plain black with invisible hole that sucks your happiness & optimism right in. Some days left you in vicious cycle of anxiety, terribly terribly scared of the unknown. And you start hating yourself for being ungrateful whiny little bitch. You curse yourself for being hard on yourself. The vicious cycle of hating yourself takes place. Then it drains you. Everything is moving too fast and you lose grip on reality. Feeling like you’re falling way way behind. Because you’re stuck, in god-knows-what. And you try so hard to reach out & keep up & make appearance but it all seems so… fake and temporary.
But some days are warm. They fall perfectly in place & things come in unexpectedly good time. Some days make you feel like you could explode into million tiny stars. You’re filled with excitement, buzz running through your veins. Good thing is coming!!! Everything is suddenly okay, and if it’s not, then it will be, soon. You have solutions to every conflict & take pride in comforting your old self, that you’re not as bad/ ugly/ stupid/ unworthy/ unskilled as you think you are. The sky is bright blue, the sun is shining and you don’t have to hurt your feet dancing just to sway your worry away. You feel optimistic, like the long torturous wait is finally paid off and you can finally be…
That’s a strong & scary word, happy. Do I deserve happiness? I believe I do. But my funny brain thinks that I have to suffer more, cry more, fall & break once more, be more anxious- in order to deserve the so-called happiness. A concept I still don’t understand, yet.
“Don’t wanna jinx it, you’re not outta the woods yet,” my loyal companion whispers. Suddenly even the thought of being happy is a sin.
And just like that the day switched.