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Days.

Some days are blue. Some just plain black with invisible hole that sucks your happiness & optimism right in. Some days left you in vicious cycle of anxiety, terribly terribly scared of the unknown. And you start hating yourself for being ungrateful whiny little bitch. You curse yourself for being hard on yourself. The vicious cycle of hating yourself takes place. Then it drains you. Everything is moving too fast and you lose grip on reality. Feeling like you’re falling way way behind. Because you’re stuck, in god-knows-what. And you try so hard to reach out & keep up & make appearance but it all seems so… fake and temporary.

But some days are warm. They fall perfectly in place & things come in unexpectedly good time. Some days make you feel like you could explode into million tiny stars. You’re filled with excitement, buzz running through your veins. Good thing is coming!!! Everything is suddenly okay, and if it’s not, then it will be, soon. You have solutions to every conflict & take pride in comforting your old self, that you’re not as bad/ ugly/ stupid/ unworthy/ unskilled as you think you are. The sky is bright blue, the sun is shining and you don’t have to hurt your feet dancing just to sway your worry away. You feel optimistic, like the long torturous wait is finally paid off and you can finally be…

happy. 

That’s a strong & scary word, happy. Do I deserve happiness? I believe I do. But my funny brain thinks that I have to suffer more, cry more, fall & break once more, be more anxious- in order to deserve the so-called happiness. A concept I still don’t understand, yet. 

“Don’t wanna jinx it, you’re not outta the woods yet,” my loyal companion whispers. Suddenly even the thought of being happy is a sin

And just like that the day switched.

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Citrus afternoon.

A friend of my mum’s came by this afternoon, and the inevitable questions were asked; how’s school/ work, when are you getting married (I pulled out my most awkward grin instead. I truly don’t know how to dodge question like this these days. Feels like I’m running outta sarcastic words. Some people are just very persistent. Ffs it’s marriage. You don’t just get married. Stop pushing people into getting married for society purposes. Chill people), did you really paint your hair blonde, etc. It progressed to my career as a doctor (by the way I passed the board exam. I’m a doctor now! Well, not officially. I still have to earn my license by joining the internship program for a year. This is all far from over hahahahaha) & which specialty I’d like to choose. I simply, absentmindedly said, “I don’t know yet“. And her response took me by surprise. She went ballistic & started lecturing me about life and purposes and short term plan and long term plan and goals and ambitions and achievements and everything that basically triggered my anxiety. I sat there, fidgeting, playing with my nails, scratching old scars, trying to look the other way but she refused to break eye contact. Any sane person would notice that the atmosphere in the room changed. It irked her to see people who “just don’t know”, people who were afraid of making mistakes, too cautious, too anxious, people who had too much to think. It went against her ESQ training (I figured that she’s one of those people who came back from ESQ camp & felt totally enlightened. Their whole perspective changed, the ESQ-ian way). And she couldn’t help but, in her own words, righting the wrong. Because in life you couldn’t “just don’t know“. If my body language didn’t give it away then idk what made her think that I was so keen on following this conversation. I engaged minimally. Only nodded & smiled politely, despite my aching heart & throbbing head. 

I wasn’t sad. More like annoyed. I felt bad for my parents, because I didn’t think it’s exciting, watching your kid being grilled by some stranger. I swear it was the most unnecessary & uncomfortable conversation in my 24 years life. 

When people are being asked about something related to their plans & future, they respond differently. Some people confidently lay out their plan, some even dare enough to boast, some are shy and answer quietly, some are not sure, some have enough going on in their life, and some literary don’t know. My “I don’t know, I guess I’ll see what’s in store along the way, don’t wanna rush anything now” doesn’t mean that I recklessly put my life hanging on a thread, waiting for good things to magically happen. Sometimes I say I don’t know because I don’t want to explain about the why. How. When. What. Who. Where. Because the way I think, the tangled things that’s going on inside my head needs more than 15 minutes to untangle. I need more than 15 minutes and one deadly stare from head to toe to explain. One question can multiply into hundreds of scarier question. Demanding. Judging

So please, I’m not ready to share my thought with you, tante. I adore people like you. I doooo. Filled with ambitions, very very driven, it’s like nothing can knock you down. But if you don’t like the way I handle my life, if it irks you that much, then it’s too bad you weren’t there in my early years of life to shape my way of thinking. 🙂

All the love,

X.