I danced through the blisters at night
And I laughed til I cried
I ran til my feet couldn’t run no more
I sat til my lungs were burning
Until I know I’m alive, I’ll sit til I can’t hear voice no more
I do that a lot lately, sit until I can’t hear voices no more. Cause sometimes they’re so loud that you don’t have any spare room to think logical. Sitting through “the voices” or “feelings” means being fully aware of the state I’m in at the moment. Identifying. Observing. Letting it through. And embracing. I no longer push them away. When I feel insecure, I let myself feel insecure. I don’t try to rationalize it. I sit with it. Getting to know it, how it affects me. It’s like seeing yourself in a two way mirror. “Oh so that’s how it looks. That’s how it feels.” It helps. It helps me see things a bit clearly. My ego defense mechanism years ago was overcompensating. I’d overly do anything to cover up my anxiety, insecurity, self-doubt, that I became so exhausted, fidgety, unhappy, and surprise surprise…. it amplified the negative thoughts I had.
So, nope. I’m not pushing them away. It’s way too exhausting. I learn to accept them. Huddle them like a bunch of puppies when they come around, and wave ’em goodbye when I finally make peace with them. I didn’t know sorting out feelings could be this complicated. But I’ll do anything to survive.
Suddenly the sun comes up
And the dark is gone
We made it to the dawn
And I don’t miss you anymore.