It’s been a little over a month and I learned that I had no choice but to face anything head on. I learn to brush mr. Anxiety off. Just walk, run, and do anything I gotta do that day. The voices are still there, dilligently pull my confidence down to the lowest low. But the realistic part of me doesn’t back off that easy. It’s also there. Reminding me to breathe. I had somatic symptoms like heartburn, increasing bowel motility, and tachycardia. I miss my mum every night. I cried at the sight of sajadah, because back home my mum used to pat my head after tahajjud prayers. When I absentmindedly open the refrigerator, my heart sinks because it’s super empty & I couldn’t bring myself to make anything remotely close to what my mum does at home. And then I cry some more. I still have difficulty falling asleep at night. I have to put the anxiety coaches podcast on speaker to calm myself down. I dream nothing. It’s pitch black and suddenly I find myself laying wide awake at 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am. Then at 4 am the routine starts.

I’ve long anticipated that the transition from being safe & sound at your own home, to living alone would be hard. I’ve never been away from home for too long. So I decided to do anything to survive.

I go out a whole fucking lot

Seriously, the amount of trip I took in the span of one month here amaze me. After the clinic ends I’m always ready to hop in any car going anywhere doing anything. I want to get iship-related-stuff off of my crazy head. I went to forests, river, waterfall lake- nature, in a way, healed me. Never knew seeing the green could be this therapeutic. Not only dipping my toes, I got myself properly wet in the river. And the waterfall was majestic. I squaled, giggled, feeling the water splashed across my face. I also went to various cafe & eatery, just to hang out or talk with my friends. It costs me money but I think it’s a fair price to pay for my mental wellness. People be like, you have to save some money for any upcoming course, for marriage, for school, but. I.don’t.want.to.think. for once in my medschool life I don’t wanna worry about my future career, or marriage! As selfish as it may sounds. I let myself be spontaneous. I came home physically drained & emotionally content. That way I didn’t have to put much effort just to fall asleep. Funny how I toss & turn & think a lot during the night, but when I’m in the clinic I just do what I gotta do. Anxious or not I have to get through the day.

Watching series & stalking celebs through social media don’t amuse me anymore God I hope it’s only temporary. I fall behind lot of TV show episodes, and spotify’s new music friday. I don’t read fanfics much. I rarely log into twitter / instagram. And it scares the hell outta me. What’s happenninnnn?? I’d rather go out. Or clean my room (idk is it because I’m new to this living alone thing that I want my room to look clean all the time, so if there’s anything out of place it irks me).

I sing a whole fucking lot

My daily playlist contains of oldish songs from Maroon 5, Alicia Keys, Kelly Clarkson, PCD, Destiny’s Child, The Click Five, Owl City, even Bieber on his early age. Thank God its rainy season, so my unappealing voice is masked by the rain. The harder it gets, the happier I am. It’s not like I didn’t sing much back then. But being here, alone, singing is crucial to my survival.

There’s also one person (Mbak Cupita) who patiently, amazingly, sincerely helps me with my anxiety on daily basis. I’d literally be lost & depressed without her. She’s my senior & now interning in the eye clinic here in RS Sogaten. She introduced me to the staff, showed me what to do, how to do things, where’s what, who to talk to. She coaxed me out of my shell, knew when to push or just let me be with my dark thoughts. I really wish I could return the favor. She did a lot for me and I’ve never felt more grateful.

Everything happens for a reason. I feel like I’m meant to be here, and there’s something more than just internship. Call it gut feeling, I don’t know. I just have to survive one minute, one hour, one day at a fucking time to find out.



Playlist 28; Stumbling in the dark, smiling.

Axwell /\ Ingrosso ft. Trevor Guthrie – Dreamer

Crush – Beautiful

Dan + Shay – Tequila

Famba ft. Toito & KARLI – Spaces

Gryffin – Nobody Compares to You

Lulleaux – Contact

Sasha Sloan – Ready Yet

Wrabel – We Could Be Beautiful

Zedd, Grey, & Maren Morris – The Middle


Tipping toes.

2017 ended in a (I think) good way. We made a short trip to Solo (2,5 hours drive). Idk what’s gotten into me, I usually said no. I’d rather be in my room, reading warm-teeth-rooting fics (there’s this new fic called Thank God I Found You. A 2000-pages long fic, that left me feeling giddy all the time. I’m a sucker for alpha/beta/omega dynamic & family AU fic), browsing spotify for new music, or just lay there on the bed. Turned out saying yes was the best decision I’ve ever made. The view along the road was breathtaking, seriously, praise Allah. It was green & the sun is shining so bright it warmed my soul. The air was refreshing, I literally squealed everytime I pulled down the window & let my fingers dancing through the wind. For a split second I forgot who I was, my anxiety, the internship program, & all the negative thoughts I possessed since god knows when. I was simply, irrevocably, happy.

We stopped for a lunch at a very packed & crowded restaurant (considering it’s new year’s eve), they served special oxtail soup & apparently it’s very popular around the area. The place was nowhere near ideal for 10 people to eat properly. We’re sitting back to back with other people, knees bumping everytime we made a small move, but I didn’t mind. We then visited a batik museum in Solo. I was against the idea of getting a tour there (30 mins tour for 35k), but my friends insisted so I gave in. Again, I’m glad I said yes. I’m always a fan of history. Love the royals. The palace. In awe. I read all Gadjah Mada books & other historical references. So when the tour guide started telling us the history of batik, who wore them, who made them, about the kings, queens, & the palace, I was ecstatic. I moved to the front line & paid extra attention.

The sky was getting darker & we decided to go home before it’s midnight. I was in a car with 3 other people. I didn’t know who started it, probably me, since I’m always yapping about my anxiety, but our topic of conversation went deeper and deeper that night. I learned that my 2 friends, who I thought were the most composed, calmest, & coolest persons, the kind of doctor I want to be. No stuttering, no awkward tension, no sweating, no anxiety; had their own struggle. We talked about our feelings, thoughts, fears. My jaw fell slack as I learned that they also think that they’re damaged beyond saving. The difference is, I still have this crazy fantasy about a knight in shining armor who’d (despite my twisted mind, body, and soul) still want to take me away, make me happy, & forget all my demons. While they don’t wanna be saved. They also have their internal battle. The dark thoughts, so dark that it affects the way they’re thinking, responding to the outside world, & their view on the future. They’re putting up a good facade, because they don’t want anyone to know. They are pushing people away. It made me realize how small & insignificant my problems are compared to them. I scolded myself for being a crybaby after all this time. At a same time, I felt like a good amount of weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. Other people have it worse & there they are still trying to make their way through. When I was talking to people who didn’t know how it’s like to have a mental condition, I felt like I was only talking superficially. But last night, we really talked. For the first time in a really long time, the words “I feel that too” felt really genuine. I screamed, self-diagnosed myself out loud, confused as to why my symptoms didn’t fit any category, discussed it, & laughed my asses off. I listened to their stories. Absorbing their hurt. Trying to understand their way of thinking. It’s like being in a support group (which sadly isn’t really common from where I come from. People need support group).

Last night really mattered. It’s one of the most memorable trip I’ve ever had. Now I have more reasons to hold on & just survive. I’d love to help, reach out. But I still don’t know how to, other than offer them a pair of ears to listen. We all face our demons & countless tiring battle. I hope they know they’re not on their own. I hope it all gets better. It gets better.

Here’s to 2018.