It’s been a little over a month and I learned that I had no choice but to face anything head on. I learn to brush mr. Anxiety off. Just walk, run, and do anything I gotta do that day. The voices are still there, dilligently pull my confidence down to the lowest low. But the realistic part of me doesn’t back off that easy. It’s also there. Reminding me to breathe. I had somatic symptoms like heartburn, increasing bowel motility, and tachycardia. I miss my mum every night. I cried at the sight of sajadah, because back home my mum used to pat my head after tahajjud prayers. When I absentmindedly open the refrigerator, my heart sinks because it’s super empty & I couldn’t bring myself to make anything remotely close to what my mum does at home. And then I cry some more. I still have difficulty falling asleep at night. I have to put the anxiety coaches podcast on speaker to calm myself down. I dream nothing. It’s pitch black and suddenly I find myself laying wide awake at 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am. Then at 4 am the routine starts.
I’ve long anticipated that the transition from being safe & sound at your own home, to living alone would be hard. I’ve never been away from home for too long. So I decided to do anything to survive.
I go out a whole fucking lot
Seriously, the amount of trip I took in the span of one month here amaze me. After the clinic ends I’m always ready to hop in any car going anywhere doing anything. I want to get iship-related-stuff off of my crazy head. I went to forests, river, waterfall lake- nature, in a way, healed me. Never knew seeing the green could be this therapeutic. Not only dipping my toes, I got myself properly wet in the river. And the waterfall was majestic. I squaled, giggled, feeling the water splashed across my face. I also went to various cafe & eatery, just to hang out or talk with my friends. It costs me money but I think it’s a fair price to pay for my mental wellness. People be like, you have to save some money for any upcoming course, for marriage, for school, but. I.don’t.want.to.think. for once in my medschool life I don’t wanna worry about my future career, or marriage! As selfish as it may sounds. I let myself be spontaneous. I came home physically drained & emotionally content. That way I didn’t have to put much effort just to fall asleep. Funny how I toss & turn & think a lot during the night, but when I’m in the clinic I just do what I gotta do. Anxious or not I have to get through the day.
Watching series & stalking celebs through social media don’t amuse me anymore God I hope it’s only temporary. I fall behind lot of TV show episodes, and spotify’s new music friday. I don’t read fanfics much. I rarely log into twitter / instagram. And it scares the hell outta me. What’s happenninnnn?? I’d rather go out. Or clean my room (idk is it because I’m new to this living alone thing that I want my room to look clean all the time, so if there’s anything out of place it irks me).
I sing a whole fucking lot
My daily playlist contains of oldish songs from Maroon 5, Alicia Keys, Kelly Clarkson, PCD, Destiny’s Child, The Click Five, Owl City, even Bieber on his early age. Thank God its rainy season, so my unappealing voice is masked by the rain. The harder it gets, the happier I am. It’s not like I didn’t sing much back then. But being here, alone, singing is crucial to my survival.
There’s also one person (Mbak Cupita) who patiently, amazingly, sincerely helps me with my anxiety on daily basis. I’d literally be lost & depressed without her. She’s my senior & now interning in the eye clinic here in RS Sogaten. She introduced me to the staff, showed me what to do, how to do things, where’s what, who to talk to. She coaxed me out of my shell, knew when to push or just let me be with my dark thoughts. I really wish I could return the favor. She did a lot for me and I’ve never felt more grateful.
Everything happens for a reason. I feel like I’m meant to be here, and there’s something more than just internship. Call it gut feeling, I don’t know. I just have to survive one minute, one hour, one day at a fucking time to find out.