I’m suddenly surrounded by pregnant women & newborns. The bridesmaid periods are long gone. My social media feeds are filled with babies, USG, test packs -for fucks sake, low Q maternity shoots, thinly-veiled-attempt-to-show-off-that they’re-not-gaining-much-weight-during pregnancy-kind-of-pics…. I’m happy for them. I frickin am. They radiate warmth and happiness. They frickin glow. But I can’t shrug off the feeling of being left behind. When my little sister announced her pregnancy it’s all crumbling down; my happy-peaceful-content state of mind that I tried so hard to build and maintain. It’s the final blow of the good news I’m pregnant chain I’ve received these past few months. My first reaction was overwhelmingly happy. Imma be a real aunt! But then the fact sank in. People are moving forward with their lives. They walk down the normal timeline, do what most people are supposed to do, experience what normal people do in their respective age. For one second I thought fuck normal I have my own pace. But you can’t help but wonder about where you stand in the line. Will you ever get to be where they’re at? Will you experience that? Will you ever be normal? You get this uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach; am I doing the right thing with my life? Easy to say that getting married, having kids, building promising career are not a race, when you’re not the one falling behind. When you’re not the one who’s been on the bench for far too long. Rejected. Feeling like a total failure.
Good news is a double sided sword. You get to be happy for other people- giving you reassurance that despite all your crazy thoughts you’re still kind. But then it also double your insecurities- making you feel like you’re the most fake human being on the planet because you’re happy for them but secretly feeling miserable inside.
And the question remains
Are you truly a good person who’s waiting on your chance to shine or you’re just an insecure flop who can’t handle other people happiness?
Life has been…. surprisingly good. Lord I don’t wanna jinx it but it’s fricken good. A month was all I need to settle in, take in the environment, work my pace. Then here I am. Enjoying every minute of waking up super early, the countless smiles I have to offer to countless patients in the clinics, up to the burning sensation in my wrists from writing down SOAP sheets in a hurry. I’m still anxious, still thinking about things down to the ridiculous detail, but the physical symptoms like tachycardia, hyperalertness, increasing bowel motility, difficultly sleeping are all getting better, if not gone. I used to mark each passing day on the calendar, never missed one. I couldn’t wait for this whole program to end; now it’s just sitting useless on the table, marker free, completely forgotten. Days just pass by. I’m utterly surprised. Is it because of repetitive exposure? Or is it me accepting the fact that this is what I have to do? My mind really is a funny place.
But I’m happy. Content.
It’s only been 3 months but I feel like this little town has healed me. In a way that I can’t comprehend. I’m broken, with jagged edges, but this town manages to embrace me with it’s own warmth. Slowly I’m able to put myself back together, in my own pace. It’s small, quiet, with just enough amount of sight to see & places to visit. You don’t have to worry about getting caught up in a traffic. The living cost is super affordable. The people, oh the lovely people. Every Sunday I get to visit the CFD (car free day) and it’s heaven on earth. I take everything this little town has to offer. I’m in love.
I smile a lot. I joke a lot. I laugh a lot. I eat a lot. I’m gaining few pounds but who the fuck cares.
God, to think that it’s only temporary only triggers my already dialed down anxiety. But it’s the perks of living with anxiety. You get to think about things a million years before it even happens. You’re anticipating. Preparing for the worsest worst scenario. Creating problems that aren’t there. Oh well what’s new. But I can totally see myself living in here. Build a home. Maybe a family?