Is that really such a crime?

Life has been…. surprisingly good. Lord I don’t wanna jinx it but it’s fricken good. A month was all I need to settle in, take in the environment, work my pace. Then here I am. Enjoying every minute of waking up super early, the countless smiles I have to offer to countless patients in the clinics, up to the burning sensation in my wrists from writing down SOAP sheets in a hurry. I’m still anxious, still thinking about things down to the ridiculous detail, but the physical symptoms like tachycardia, hyperalertness, increasing bowel motility, difficultly sleeping are all getting better, if not gone. I used to mark each passing day on the calendar, never missed one. I couldn’t wait for this whole program to end; now it’s just sitting useless on the table, marker free, completely forgotten. Days just pass by. I’m utterly surprised. Is it because of repetitive exposure? Or is it me accepting the fact that this is what I have to do? My mind really is a funny place. 

But I’m happy. Content.

It’s only been 3 months but I feel like this little town has healed me. In a way that I can’t comprehend. I’m broken, with jagged edges, but this town manages to embrace me with it’s own warmth. Slowly I’m able to put myself back together, in my own pace. It’s small, quiet, with just enough amount of sight to see & places to visit. You don’t have to worry about getting caught up in a traffic. The living cost is super affordable. The people, oh the lovely people. Every Sunday I get to visit the CFD (car free day) and it’s heaven on earth. I take everything this little town has to offer. I’m in love. 

I smile a lot. I joke a lot. I laugh a lot. I eat a lot. I’m gaining few pounds but who the fuck cares. 

God, to think that it’s only temporary only triggers my already dialed down anxiety. But it’s the perks of living with anxiety. You get to think about things a million years before it even happens. You’re anticipating. Preparing for the worsest worst scenario. Creating problems that aren’t there. Oh well what’s new. But I can totally see myself living in here. Build a home. Maybe a family? 

God knows

X.

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