Time capsule, sorta.

I love writing. I love putting my feelings into words. I love analyzing things. I love remembering exciting experiences, the heartbreaking ones too. I love witnessing myself grow, psychologically. I love how my writings show that I see things differently now. The one thing I probably love the most is writing to my future self. Weird I know. I usually do this when I’m sad, when I face many obstacle in my anxious life, when I’m at my lowest low and don’t know what to do anymore, or sometimes I just do it spontaneously.

Nothing fancy, I write just to ask how my future self is doing? Are you happy now? Do you remember this one time when you almost give up on everything? Do you still watch this series? Have you found him yet? Then I start explaining about what’s going on with my present life, what I’m feeling, and what my hopes are for the future. They’re such nice reminders, when you open them up 2 years later, that you’ve been going through hell and still made it out alive.

I just opened one today. Its addressed to “My future someone”… cringey I know. Blame my 22 years old self. Finding someone has been a huge thing for me. Cause I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’m scared by the idea of “loving someone” or getting to know someone. I’m a damaged good and I didn’t think someone would ever want me. Reading the letter put me in tears. So here goes, a letter to my future someone:

Dear future someone,

Hello there, I don’t know what to call you yet, I’m Sari, by the way. This may seems a bit awkward, but today i watched one of Will’s videos about a love letter to the loved one. He’s collecting love letters all across the globe and putting it in his book. So I thought why not write one to you? Soooo, stranger, how are you? I hope you’re doing fine, wherever you are. I hope you’re healthy, cause the weather is crazy here (talking about weather hahaha we’re real strangers, huh?). Anyway I just want to let you know that I’m still here, waiting and praying patiently. I honestly don’t know what else to do (or not do), so that I can meet you, talk to you, share my story with you (I bet you’re a good listener). Don’t ever lose hope on me okay? Just.. keep looking. Keep looking for a shy looking girl who hates the spotlight, who would rather stand in the corner with gadget in hand, in a room full of people. I may not look that attractive but I’m sure you can see beyond that. I know I have this “bitch fuck off” face, but I hope you won’t stop trying to get to know me. I know I may seem like I don’t care, but I do. Keep looking for an introvert girl with tons of cat memes, music and tv series references, who loves reading and dancing in her room. Keep looking for an overly sensitive girl, she needs your rescue. And when you’re 99.99999% sure that it’s me, don’t hesitate to come, run, hug me. You better hurry old man (lol jk), I’ve been waiting for too damn long!

I hope you’re enjoying life, I hope you’re happy. I’m still here. Always will.

Lots of love.

How I wish I could give myself a hug and told her that its going to be okay, that someone (a stranger indeed) will come along and love you so deep you could burst. That he’s a good listener, that he can see beyond your chubby figure, insecurity, and anxiousness. That he didn’t give up on you even when your messed up mind told you to give up on him multiple times. That he found a way to get close to you, despite all your “I dont wanna be with someone who doesn’t know a thing about music, tv shows, movies, books, or medicine” mindset. That he is in fact much older than you! Funny how the little things in this letter turn out to be true.

I won’t take him for granted. I won’t take any of these feelings for granted. X

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