I literally have no words.

Hey hello hi.

‘M still alive, still breathing, still struggling with iatrogenic anxiety (I made a decision to torture myself more in the form of residency. I know I know). I was so completely sure that I would excel at this one step of my life, because 1. I love love love the subject 2. I love working behind the screen. I love mundane work. I love routines and I hate surprises. 3. I spent a good amount of time interning in this departement, I knew the people well. Familiar faces = easier transition. But nope. Those reasons aren’t enough to keep my insane brain from being so tangled. I have trouble adapting. From being a jobless post-iship doctor (lots of free time, going out, catching up with friends, family time, I’m-feeling-blue me time, my-period-is-coming me time, lots of book to read, tv series to watch) to a resident. Honest to God I thought as a non emergency department, our job wouldn’t be this time consuming and tiring. My senior are working from 7 am to 9 pm monday to friday sometimes on saturday too. The samples that have to be examined are stacking high. They come from all over department in the hospital (with only 4 doctors doing the work). On top of that they still have to be responsible for weekly tumor board/ discussion with some departments. Not to mention studying for exams. Wow this residency life might be as hard as the emergency ones. I don’t hate it, or regret my choice. It just takes me by surprise. And I cant stop my head from thinking 16282629162 times ahead. Will I ever have another me time? I barely see my family will they hate me? Will my future kids get enough of my attention. Will I survive??? This takes me back to the early months of internship program, when I was still trying to fit in, and get hold of the rhythm. I told myself multiple times that its just a transition. That its okay to feel miserable in the beginning. That its very very normal. I tried to ignore the toxic crippling anxiety thats so easy to spiral down but god its hard. My palpitation is back, so is trouble sleeping at night. I keep waking up 2-3 times during the night. The sinking feeling at the pit of your stomach, the urge to just crawl whenever you see a desk and just cry. The labored breathing. Everything is coming back. I smile for 1 second and feel miserable the next seconds. My anxiety is off the chart. I’m fully aware that I am going through major changes and this is just my anxious brain reacting. So I just try my best to survive one hour at a time.

Another downside is that I spend less time calling him. We used to phone more than 5 times a day. And I got easily angry (as in dont talk to me in 2 days i wont answer your call or your texts kind of angry.. srsly I was being very childish) when he was in to deep with works. Lately when we talked on the phone, I told him everything about my new life as a resident. I was complaining and asking the same thing over and over. And he gave the usual this too shall pass. You can do it. You’re amazing routine. And it temporary calmed me down. But tonight I’m in the worst anxiety episode ever. So I call him and I cry. I spill everything from A to Z. Absentmindedly saying what if I quit and live with him in remote area (sometimes he’s stationed in remote places). And I think that word triggers him. He starts saying about how I was fully aware when I made this choice, how I have to live it no matter how gruesome it may looks, and that I have to start acting like an adult. Ouch. But then all hell breaks loose. He takes me back to his early year of Taruna and military academy up to where he is now. He describes his works, things that he has to do everyday, the kind of people he has to handle everyday, the load of his works, the name of every…thing. And my mouth can only form a solid O. He spoke so little about his work. I didn’t mind though. I never fully understood the military works anyway. And him being in missions made me think that he’s bound to be secretive. So I never ever knew the magnitude of his work and the responsibility he had to carry.

Then I cry. Because I have been sooooo unfair to him. I haven’t been listening. I never give but I’m always at the receiving end. I rarely ask him about his day, I complain when I dont get enough attention as if his one and only job is to make sure that I’m mentally physically ok. I said I would never take him for granted but I did. I’m feeling ashamed. And guilty. He begs me to stop crying and starts throwing his dad jokes. When it doesn’t work he knows that this is not the usual cry for attention. I apologize to him. Profusely. And he says that he already forgave me from the beginning. Then we cry some more. Its so weird crying through video call. You want to hold that person soooooo bad. You want to comfort him. Feels like he’s just one arm length away but he’s not.

When I finally calm down we start talking… deep shits. Like my fear and anxiety, his thoughts, his plans, his view about things in life. This is probably the first time he lets his guard down. He is one hard shell to crack. Even after 1 year of knowing each other. I swear I can see him from a totally different perspective now. I’m mentally and emotionally drained but I know that he always always got my back. That I am safe.

And that I will spend the rest of my life loving this man.


Niat. Niatkan untuk ibadah, ikhlas Lillahi Ta’ala. Niat agar ilmunya bermanfaat untuk orang lain. Niat untuk membahagiakan dan membanggakan orang tua, niat untuk membuat suami bangga, niat agar nantinya bisa independent. Sabar, ikhlas. Semua ada masanya. Pasti akan terlewati. Sayang pasti bisa.

Semoga Allah melindungi, merahmati, meridhoi, memberi petunjuk dan kekuatan untukmu, dan mengijabahi semua doa-doa positif kita

Kalau ada hal apapun, bilang ya.

Doa dan ridhoku selalu menyertaimu.

Love you.

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